with my money.

I’m a selfish person. I admit it. I don’t see why I should share what I’ve earned or accumulated with anyone else who isn’t going to share in return. I should clarify, I mean all this in the context of a relationship. So, I finished college and got a decent job that allowed me to pay off the student loans, buy a house and cars, and save for retirement. Yes, I’ve been continuously in debt for the last 20 or more years, but I’m current on all my bills and making progress toward reducing my debt. This would be the same debt that increased by more than 25% during my relationship with the psychopath.

There were several times, when discussing my house, that I ended the discussion with “it’s MY house, I’m the one who gets do decide.” My psychopath’s mother told him a couple times, in my presence, that this was going to be a problem because I was being selfish and not thinking in terms of ‘us’, how we need to share and work together. As if he automatically had the right to half of everything that was mine because he bought me a ring. I also refused to consider selling my house so we could buy one together, because it amounted to him getting half of what I already had. If that’s selfish, that’s fine with me.

Regarding money, my psychopath made 2/3 of what I made. After child support he brought home about 40% of what I brought home. He had less than 1/4 of the debt I had, even after adding in his car loan. After his loan, insurance, and cell phone payments he had about $550 a month for gas, food, and sundries. He didn’t use any of the money for rent, utilities, or debt reduction, and he didn’t save any money. I spent my money on two sets of utilities, house and loan payments and credit card bills. I usually left myself $400-500 for gas, food, and sundries.

I consider myself bad with money. By that I mean I don’t save enough and I have a hard time sticking to my budget. Sometimes I’m late on bills or I’ll miss one. I’ll buy things I don’t need or spend more than I have to on what I do need. I charge things when I shouldn’t. Those are my poor decisions and I live with them, and pay for them every month. However, I’m not getting collections calls or judgement liens. Plenty of people who have fallen into unfortunate circumstances or were preyed upon by loan companies do. That doesn’t make them any worse with money than me. Most of the ones I know have done everything in their power to reverse the situation. They squeak by on next-to-nothing for months on end, trying to make double payments or pay late fees to save a home or a car. It’s tragic.

To say my psychopath was bad with money was an understatement. He couldn’t manage his $500 a month after paying bills so he always ran out of money before his weekly payday and needed help paying for something. Sometimes he would spend his money on me and then he’d be broke, so really I ended up paying for the things he bought me. What he didn’t do with his money was address his old debt or save. I pointed out ways to save money but he wasn’t interested in most of them. I even took him shopping and demonstrated how easy it was. I loaned him money so he could repair his fuel-efficient car and he still didn’t have enough money for gas. He didn’t want to ride to work with me to save on gas, but if I rode to work with him he expected me to give him gas money, even if I had bought a whole tank for him the week before.

After we were engaged about two years I had to cut back on spending and start reducing debt. Things got to the point that, though I had all my bills covered, I didn’t have enough money for my expenses and helping the psychopath, or rather helping at the same level. I was already buying things for him and his kids on a regular basis – shoes, clothes, snacks, drinks, personal care items, etc., as well as buying most of the holiday and birthday gifts for them, his parents, and his nieces and nephews. I was already paying for half of the psychopath’s food and half his kids’ food on the weekends, and he expected this to both continue and increase.

At this same point in time the  psychopath started doing less work on and around the house, while  he started living in it during the week. I am selfish enough to think that if a person can’t contribute financially, some other contribution should be made. No rent or utilities means someone’s going to cut the grass and sweep the floor and shovel the snow and move the heavy things and offer to help in any way, without complaining that doing more than half of anything it isn’t fair, because that’s not fair to me. I should mention also that by now the psychopath had been complaining about not making enough money while regularly turning down overtime at work for about two years. He was also upset that I said if he quit his job without having a new one lined up I was going to kick him out. He tried to convince me he’d have more money if he was unemployed. Of course I was selfish enough to decide I wasn’t going to dig my financial hole any deeper for him.

After year of cutting back I managed to reduce some of my credit card debt, and after another six months I was able to start reducing it more, having finished paying off a five-year loan for some property I bought before meeting the psychopath. The cutting back I had done didn’t affect the gift-buying or what I spent on food and necessary items. I still helped him with car repairs, and had even borrowed against my house to get his more-efficient car running again before my loan was paid off, because he promised to pay me back. Meanwhile, though, my psychopath’s work contribution dropped to almost nothing. He let the dogs out and fed them, swept the floors sometimes, and he shoveled snow a few times, pointing out that he shoveled once more than I did. There were a few other one-time things he did, but that was it.

The problem with paying off the loan was that my psychopath thought I should start spending more on him, instead of insisting he keep his promise to pay back the money I loaned him, and instead of continuing to reduce my debt. He wasn’t interested in my debt reduction at all, my debt mattered less to him than his own. In the last few months he started getting collections calls from his doctor’s office and student loan company. He took money out of his retirement without saying anything and he had his income tax return taken for non-payment of his student loan. He lied about using the retirement money to pay off his student loan and another loan he got without telling me. That was the end of us.

A couple weeks later I found him at my house waiting to sell the car he owed me $800 in repairs for to the guy who offered him $400 because it ‘needed a lot of work’. Three days later it was listed on Craigslist for $2000. He gave me none of the money. Almost a year later I had gotten another (the 4th) late-payment notice for his car loan because I was the co-signer (he still owes me the down-payment). The payment should have been the last, but he deferred payments to the point it would take another eight months of his regular payment to pay off the loan. The collection agency for his doctor’s office starting calling my house again and the student loan people started calling at work. It appears I’m not the only selfish person who wants to be repaid.

You can find a list of eleven things here.  Well, ten things in addition to money. They always want something from the target and they will be what the target wants until they get bored or the target stops supplying what they want. My psychopath wanted money, housing, services, and control.

My psychopath wanted money, or rather what money could buy, like electronics (large and small), a nice car, licensed sportswear, or anything that resembled what rich people have. He wanted someplace to live that wasn’t his parents’ house. He wanted to be fed and entertained and praised and coddled. He wanted to make decisions. He wanted to be in charge.

What didn’t he want? He didn’t want to work. He didn’t want a partnership. He didn’t want to contribute half of anything once we were engaged. He didn’t want responsibility.  He didn’t want to participate in family activities unless there was food, and he didn’t want drama unless he was the center of it. He didn’t want criticism or input.

What did I want? A partner, someone with whom I could share my life. I wanted the man he pretended to be in the beginning – kind, loving, considerate, intelligent, dependable, committed, honest, and hard-working. He turned out to be quite the opposite. He turned out to be someone I would have avoided if he had been himself from the beginning.

List number three comes from Thomas Sheridan, from his website and his book, Puzzling People: The Labyrinth of the Psychopath.  I’d like his book better with some editing and some filling-out in some parts, and source citations or some indication of which parts are his own opinion. I was not very interested in the psychopathic corporation/government aspect of the book, since I purchased it due to a personal relationship.  Much of what he presents can be found on the internet, which I noticed after more internet reading, but I like that he’s put together a list that is not clinical.

Sheridan presents five absolute traits and a cluster of secondary or relative traits.  The five absolute traits are:

1. No remorse
2. Invented personas to manipulate others
3. Using pity to manipulate and trap victims
4. A mysterious or cryptic past
5. High testosterone levels

My psychopath had no remorse; he was never sorry.

My psychopath invented a persona just for me, and he had one for his family with a slightly different one for his children, one for work, and one for his friends on facebook.  He probably had one for in-person friends, but I only saw that in passing since he didn’t spend time with friends when I was around.

The pity was definitely his thing and he used it to get everything he could.  I got him a job, paid for all kinds of things, loaned him money, took care of him when he was sick, bought presents for his family, etc. out of pity.  He expected pity and he sulked if all he got from me was the pity.  Of course he would use that as a source of pity in others.  He wanted pity from everyone, even if it was just for attention.

I couldn’t piece together his past; he presented events, people, and jobs without any kind of time frame or sense of order or connection, so it made no sense chronologically.

I don’t know about the high testosterone and I’m not sure about its place in the absolutes.  I haven’t done any of my own research.  I will say my psychopath was ape-like, balding, and impulsive.

This is Thomas Sheridan’s list of secondary traits that I copied from his website.  I left his links intact so you can follow them to see what else he has to say.  He claims “Understanding and applying these will go a long way to help you distinguish between psychopaths and everyday, run-of-the-mill obnoxious creeps and charlatans”.  He says not all psychopaths will have all the things on the list.  I’ll put my comments in italics, pink italics.  The list begins:

Sexual Promiscuity/Asexuality/One Night Stands 
(appears to have learned all they know about sex from watching pornography) Still not talking about sex!

Staggering Levels of Double Standards and Hypocrisy/Projection 
(projects their own faults onto others—accuses the target of doing to the psychopath what the psychopath is doing to them) NEVER SAYS ‘SORRY’.  He projected his faults on me (no imagination) and my son (he’s just lazy).  He accused his future sister-in-law of ‘latching on’ to his brother ‘because she needed to be taken care of’ but that was completely different from him wanting me to take care of him.  Plenty of double standards and hypocrisy.

Narcissism/Boastfulness and a Sense of Being Born for a Special Purpose 
(expects to be praised constantly and will praise themselves if they do not get it from others)  My psychopath didn’t claim he was born for a special purpose, but he definitely saw himself as being above doing menial work or anything that might cause him to get dirty. He would expect praise for doing anything, as if opening a can or a box for a meal was a great accomplishment.  He expected praise for childish, clumsily made projects.  He praised himself and bragged constantly.

History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly
(gets engaged/married on impulse—always blames the other person for the relationship failing—if relationship is long-term, this means they have the perfect enabler)  Two divorces, one definitely ended badly.  I was an excellent enabler but I had nothing on his mother.  It’s sad that it seems to me now that she was trying to pawn him off on me.

Fight or Flight Response
(poor stress tolerance—can’t debate—insults and lashes out)  Definitely no debating, just sulking or staring or avoidance, except for the occasional temper tantrum.  He couldn’t keep up his side of an argument.

Camera Persona(s) 
(sneers, poses or smirks or ‘looks away’ when being photographed)  My psychopath didn’t want his picture taken.  He sent me some selfies early on but never wanted me to take his picture unless he was wearing a stupid hat or making a face.

Eyes Sometimes Dead and Lifeless 
(coupled with a hypnotic stare—eyes can also dart around from left to right when scheming) Very often a disturbing intense predatory stare when challenged or refused a request.  My psychopath had empty eyes sometimes, but I got the predatory stare every time I said something he didn’t like or when he refused to actually argue.  The darting eyes I saw the first time I met him and I would see them every once in a while after that.  He was probably scheming, given what we were talking about when his eyes were darting.

Needing, at Most, 4—5 Hours of Sleep at Night 
(sleeping aids, prescriptions and alcohol used to extend their sleeping periods or to avoid boredom) This one, not so much.  He fell asleep almost instantly and slept like a rock.

Faking Cancer or Other Serious Illness 
(shaving their heads, eyebrows and body hair to fool people—will set up charities and fund-raising events—harvesting pity—looking for heroic recognition)  The closest my psychopath got to this was exaggerating minor illness.

Does not Dream, or Fabricates Unrealistic Dream Stories 
(reduced complex cognitive processes in and around the frontal areas of the brain)  He didn’t talk about dreams or dreaming.  I’m not sure he ever got into REM sleep much, but he had apnea.

Constantly Looking and Acting Busy for no Apparent Reason
(moving around, traveling here and there for no apparent reason—busy, busy, busy) He was more of a potato at home.  At work he tried to look busier than he was, but that was for an apparent reason.

Leaves their Target Abandoned and Alone for Hours on End 
(will bring target to a party in a room full of strangers and then leave them on their own)  He would do this.  On weekends he preferred to ignore me until he wanted to be fed.

Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises 
(makes highly ambitious plans, then changes them—makes promises and never follows through)  He would say he was going to do something great or special for me and then not do it or even acknowledge he said so.  He broke promises and he’d not do even little things he said he would.

Constantly Trying to Correct Others’ Opinions 
(font of all knowledge—arrogant ‘know it all’—always has to have the last word, usually an insult. VERY passive aggressive.)  My psychopath was totally passive aggressive.  He also knew more that other people, whether they were educated or experienced or not.

Crocodile Tears and Unconvincing Emotional Responses, Superficial Laughter 
(‘Gentle Soul’ personal with ham acting—pretending to wipe/dry their eyes—rooted in frustration, not sorrow)  He didn’t have emotional responses, except getting angry.  He didn’t usually even pretend emotional responses.  There was plenty of superficial laughter.  He had a laugh he used when he wanted other people to think what he said was funny.  It didn’t work.

Extreme and Obvious Flattery, Emulating and Sycophantic Behaviour 
(when targeting/scheming: whatever they think you want to hear and see, they will say and do it)  The flattery I got became extreme, but it didn’t start out that way.  He would back off if I accused him of sucking up.  The flattery ended with his idealization of me.  The emulation I did see.  If I acted a certain way or talked in a weird voice he would, too, and if I stopped, so did he.

Lovebombing 
(releases large amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine, while reducing serotonin within the target’s brain)  I got lots of lovebombing before we were engaged.  Later I think it was just stringing me along.

Word Salad 
(overly complex speech and writing in order to look clever—often makes no sense—contradictory from one sentence to the next)  He tried to use big words and make complex sentences but his vocabulary was pretty limited so he didn’t sound very clever.  His writing was worse, like he was trying too hard to come across as intelligent.

Claims to be the Only Person who Really Relates to Target 
(in order to begin socially isolating them from their support network of family/friends)  He didn’t claim anything like this, but he did try to isolate me.

Sets the Agenda—Never Meets Anyone Halfway 
(announces, never discusses—gives orders, never asks—dictates, both overtly and subtly)  My psychopath wanted to be the boss.  He would tell me we were going to a birthday party instead of asking me to go.  He tried to tell me what to do at work when he was supposed to be doing things for me.

Obsessed with the Latest Pharmaceuticals/ Hypochondriac 
(can include healthy eating obsessions which never last)  Something that wasn’t him!

Has no Real Creative Talent 
(can only copy—can’t innovate or be original)  My psychopath didn’t have real creative talent.  He didn’t copy well, either, but he tried.

Energy Vampirism 
(when in a long-term relationship, working with or living with, will drain the life energy out of you—long-term partners age faster and develop serious health issues.)  I didn’t develop serious health issues, but I felt worn out for about three years.  Those were the years after we were engaged.  A lot of it I think had to do with his expecting me to keep doing everything I did in the beginning, at the same level or more, while his contributions kept getting smaller and smaller.

Claims to be Independent/Maverick 
(but in reality is completely dependent on enablers to supply him/her with basic living needs)  My psychopath acted like he was independent, as if he could take care of himself.  He lived in his parents’ basement for years before I met him, and living weekdays at my house for two years was as close as he got to being independent.  

Predatory Instincts
(excellent at reading people and social situations in order to exploit them—finding and using emotional ‘triggers’)  He could read people and exploit them, but not people he didn’t know.  He liked to use emotional triggers to start arguments so he could sit and stare at me, or ignore me for days.  

Easily Takes Offence 
(will often harbour a grudge for years and then produce it out of the blue in order to confuse the target, often as a deflective tactic during an argument)  He took offense very easily.  He would drag only a couple choice issues out of the past to use against me.  He was more likely to make statements like “you hate my children” or “so you know everything” or “nothing’s good enough for you”, but those were only for those special occasions when he decided to not just sulk and stare at me,  when he wanted me to feel extra guilty. 

Gifts Designed to ‘Buy You’ or to Mould You in a Certain Way
(their own personal taste in clothes—will use gifts to ‘improve’ you)  My psychopath only did this a little, mostly because he didn’t buy me much.  He would still try to convince me to buy socks like his, or that I needed some special brand of shirt like he had, and things like that.

Can’t Handle Criticism 
(becomes highly defensive when confronted with their own behaviour—they are perfect)  He was definitely bad at handling criticism even if it was something little, like putting the lid down so the dog wouldn’t drink out of the toilet.  He was still mad when I said the reason the dog couldn’t drink out of the toilet was the automatic bowl cleaner he put in the tank.  He would take suggestions and advice as criticism and get just as mad.  

Easily Bored 
(cured with con-artistry, promiscuity, alcoholism and/or drug abuse to alleviate the boredom) My psychopath would get bored all the time, but mostly he played video games, played with his phone or fell asleep.  He even got caught several times sleeping at work.

Does Not ‘Get’ Clever Satire/Complex Humour
Laughs when they see other laugh. Child-like sense of humour at best.  He had a simple sense of humor.  You could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t ‘get’ a joke, but he would laugh anyway if someone else did.

Pathological Lying 
(lies instinctually, even when telling the truth would be the better option—can’t accept blame—will say ‘sorry‘ that the target is hurt, but not actually be sorry for hurting them)  This was definitely my psychopath.  Once he started getting sloppy it was painfully obvious that he had been lying from the beginning about all kinds of things.  One of the last conversations I had with him was less than five minutes long and was just one lie after another.

Feels They are Entitled to the Best of Everything and Expects to be Indulged 
(only says ‘thank you’ to make a good impression on potential targets—soon afterwards stops and complains they are not being indulged or waited upon quick enough)  My psychopath had a huge sense of entitlement.  He thought he deserved a raise and a promotion even though he wouldn’t accept more responsibility.  He thought he deserved expensive gifts.  I cut back one Christmas and only spent about $75 on him and he thought he was neglected.  I made sure his children got gifts, and all his nieces and nephews, and his parents, and I made sure his name was on there with mine so he wouldn’t look like a jerk, but HE was neglected because I didn’t run up my credit card balance enough.  He spent $1 on me that year!  He thought he deserved cookies and pies from scratch on a regular basis, regardless of whether he helped around the house.  He thought the same thing about meals, that he deserved special food that took hours to prepare.  My mother said he wanted everything handed to him and everything done for him.  I disagreed, until his share of work and responsibility dropped off to nothing while his demands stayed the same, and, in some cases, increased.

Exploits Friends, Parents, the Elderly or Handicapped 
(money, free rent, altering of wills)  One word:  freeloader.

Claims to have a Special Relationship with God (Spiritual Narcissism) or Extreme Atheist 
(both are just belief packages the psychopath will use to impress others)  Another characteristic that doesn’t describe my psychopath.

Claims to be a Spy, Assassin, Special Forces Personnel or other Clandestine Agent 
(will collect military and other similar memorabilia—fake medals and combat awards)  He had stories about being in Europe when records showed him to be somewhere in the US and saving a general in somewhere in Asia, but he didn’t claim to be a spy or anything like that. 

Twists Conversations and Meanings of Things to Suit Agenda 
(diverts conversation to gain moral or intellectual higher ground—when stumped, changes the subject or gets angry)  I think this goes along with my psychopath’s inability to argue or debate.  

Uses Dysfluencies More than Most (i.e., ‘umms’, ‘ahhs’, etc)
(does not listen to what others say after the Idealisaton stage because the psychopath does not care)  The most ‘umms’ and ‘ahhs’  he used all at once happened when he proposed.  Usually, instead of using those, there would be a big, empty pause in a conversation, maybe to avoid using them.  If I didn’t ask a yes/no question, I could count to five slowly before he started his response.  Maybe he was just slow to process, maybe he was scheming.

He might have been just a regular jerk, but I don’t think so.  At one point, right after he left, I thought ‘long con’ but it didn’t make sense because he should have been GONE.  Instead, he kept working at the job I got him, going out of his way to irritate me.  He drove by my house, rummaged through my mail box, and I saw him drive by my mother’s house every Sunday around the time he was supposed to take his children back to their mother.  My mother’s house is ten minutes in the other direction and it’s not between any of his family’s houses, either.  I saw him every Sunday until it got dark too early to see him, so it was for about six months, but probably longer, because I saw him on Thanksgiving, too.  I doubt most jerks would keep it up that long, and I think a stalker would have escalated.  So, psychopath he remains.

Most of what I’ve read about psychopathy includes the lack of conscience in psychopaths.  In The Sociopath Next Door (good book, I’d call it a must-read), Martha Stout describes conscience as an intervening sense of obligation based in our emotional attachment to others.  I think that’s a very good description, and it makes sense.

My psychopath’s attachments to others were about as strong as his attachments to the objects in his possession.  Any sense of obligation was weak at best, and its demonstration was usually the bare minimum required to keep things the way he wanted them or to preserve the image he presented to others.  He would choose the things he wanted to do in preserving his image.  Example:  for his image as a good father he spent hours with one child at sports practice (public place: great dad!), something he liked, but no one-on-one time with the special needs child that would help improve skills or grades (at home: not so great!).  My conscience bothered me and they weren’t my kids.  It didn’t bother the psychopath any more than not paying his bills.  I didn’t consider until much later that he might not have a conscience, but it seems more obvious now.

Why is it so hard to see that someone doesn’t have a conscience? There’s quite a bit of information in Martha Stout’s book.  We might assume a person is acting out of conscience when really the person is acting due to social pressure or self-esteem or to avoid a consequence.  Our observation might be clouded by charm, seduction, etc., or the role they play in society.  It might be our conscience itself acting against us – Stout says “The self-questioning of conscience seldom admits absolute certainty into the mind, and even when it does, certainty feels treacherous to us, as if it may trick us into punishing someone unjustly, or performing some other unconscionable act”.  Even how we are brought up plays a role.  That makes me feel like less of an idiot but not less of a victim.

Some people claim psychopaths (who are without conscience) are less than human.  My conscience certainly doesn’t care for the idea, it rebels against it.  Of course, it didn’t like the red flags my intuition sent up, either, and I was taken in.  This same conscience berates me for having been taken in.  It’s hard to sleep some nights with all that activity, and I try to imagine what it would be like to not have a conscience, and to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  I just can’t do it, how quiet and empty and alien that would be is beyond me.  Anyway, I heard the unexamined life is not worth living, and that’s a happy thought my conscience can totally embrace.

This is the list of symptoms from Robert D. Hare’s Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. Hare’s profile is comprised of the items on his widely-used Psychpathy Checklist. While stating the need for professional diagnosis, Hare also cautions that people can have some symptoms without being psychopathic. He also describes psychopathy as a syndrome (cluster of symptoms). There are two facets to psychopathy in Hare’s description, one being “the way psychopaths think and feel about themselves and others” and the other is “a chronically unstable and aimless lifestyle marked by casual and flagrand violations of social norms and expectations”.

Glib and superficial: They can be witty and articulate, quick and clever, amusing and entertaining in conversation, likeable, and charming. They can tell unlikely stories that make themselves look good, and it is typical for them to try to appear familiar with a wide range of subjects. A warning sign mentioned is a lack of concern when they are found to have nothing more than a superficial knowledge of a subject.

My psychopath was usually the star of his own stories, whether he was the hero or the victim. If he wasn’t, the star was was usually the person in whose place he wanted to be, like the person who got even or the person who won the lottery. I met one probable psychopath who was so smooth and charming it was creepy, even without taking into consideration the fact we were at his mother-in-law’s calling hours. Mine wasn’t that smooth. While he went to some length with me, he didn’t make much of an effort to cultivate a positive image of himself outside his immediate circle. If he did, the effort was short-lived or periodic sucking-up when he wanted something. I was actually surprised to find, after getting him a job where I worked, that people thought he was dumb once they had worked together for a few days.

Egocentric and Grandiose: Hare says “Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their self-worth and importance, a truly astounding egocentricity and sense of entitlement, and see themselves as the center of the universe, as superior beings who are justified in living according to their own rules.” Adjectives used to describe them are arrogant, shameless, opinionated, domineering, and cocky.

I think everyone is egocentric to an extent, but most of us have gradually given up our initial position of being the center of the universe. Not my psychopath. He sulked through a holiday with my family because I didn’t prepare him his own special dish, even though I told him the night before that I forgot to pick up the necessary ingredients. He had a job as a technician/laborer, but was convinced he should be and would be the manager. He deserved name brands, licensed sportswear, and expensive toys but saw no reason to work or save for them. He bragged about the things he had, the things he used to have, his impressive work as a shipping clerk and line cook, his little league and high school sports, his ex-wives, and one of his children. Eventually even his hard-luck stories were more like bragging.

Lack of remorse or guilt: He wasn’t sorry about breaking things, showing up late, or hurting other people, and was unlikely to admit having had anything to do with it. He had no remorse in not paying his bills or when the collection agencies called his family. He showed no remorse in not buying presents for his nephews and nieces. He showed no remorse when he directly or indirectly offended someone.

Lack of empathy: My psychopath could not put himself in anyone’s place and he didn’t see how it was necessary. His mother, in discussing his kids and his parenting, would ask him how he felt when he was in a similar situation as a child. Sometimes he would say he had been mad or felt bad, but usually he didn’t say anything. He didn’t see any connection between his childhood and those of his children. The best example of his lack of empathy: while he was sulking over his disappointing holiday meal, my family was struggling with our first holiday without my father, who had died the previous month, and the holiday fell on my father’s birthday. The closest my psychopath got to a display of empathy was a shallow statement of knowing how someone felt before launching into a story about something he claimed happened to him.

Deceitful and manipulative: While it seemed my psychopath’s lying increased exponentially over time, it’s probable that I just didn’t recognize the lies as easily in the beginning, and he was sloppier with them at the end. Sometimes the joke was on me, like when he said one particular kind of cake was his father’s favorite, and I should make one for his birthday gift. After the second or third time I found out it wasn’t his fathers favorite, but his. The manipulation is much more obvious in retrospect. The majority was based on pity. I cooked homemade food for him because his ex couldn’t couldn’t (or maybe wouldn’t) cook, and his cooking skills didn’t go beyond making things out of cans and boxes. I had to buy him personal care items because he spent all his money on lunch for us.

My psychopath didn’t want to be around me when I was angry, and he would purposely do or say something to start an argument, then refuse to argue to make me angrier, and then go play video games or watch sports at his parents’ house and I would get the silent treatment. This happened only once or twice in the first two years, maybe every two or three months in the second two years, and monthly or more during the last year. The few times he actually argued during an argument, instead of sitting and staring, it was loud and theatrical and over something he found offensive that he hadn’t found offensive before.

I know now that the repeated non-arguments and silent treatments at the end were part of his exit strategy, something he could use so his parents would let him stay full time in their basement again instead of just when he had his children. I am as sure of this as I am sure that most of the big relationship events were manipulation. Once he was established as my boyfriend and was convinced his job was too dangerous I got him a job where I worked. The pre-engagement ring came right before he needed a down payment and a co-signer for a new vehicle. The new vehicle was a rush because the old one was damaged from driving it (where I repeatedly told him not to) at work. When I didn’t think he needed new tires, one of the existing tires started to go repeatedly flat just a week later, so I had to lend him the money for new tires. The engagement ring came when we were working on my house so we could move in together. Right after the engagement he suggested I find another job because it would be awkward if we were married and worked together, too, but that didn’t work out for him. He made a big show of buying things for the house at tax return time, just once, when he saw that my money didn’t allow things to move as fast as he wanted, and that was around the time his mother started talking about him getting an apartment because the house was taking too long.

Shallow emotions: His emotions were shallow. He seemed happy sometimes, but usually only if he got something he wanted. My agreeing to marry him got less of a happy reaction than his favorite team winning. I don’t think he had joy but he could be content. He could be irritated easily and he would sit and stare. Irritation seemed to be as close to embarrassment as he could get. He didn’t have shame. He could be frustrated. He only got really angry a few times that I witnessed. If he was asked if he was sad about something he might say yes, but, judging by how much more upset he was over losing his sunglasses than his grandfather, I would say genuine grief was beyond him, as was sympathy for the losses of others. He could miss people as much as things but not more. He was clearly capable of having likes and dislikes. I wrote about love in the post about Cleckley’s list. His love was not deep or strong enough to effect any sort of change in his behavior. He could pretend love and seem sincere but He probably wasn’t capable of hate though he did have an abiding contempt for people he thought wronged him. He showed signs of affection sometimes. He claimed to be scared of heights but not of anything else. I never saw him fearful, intimidated, anxious, depressed, or worried. I did see him jealous and envious. He was definitely capable of pride and self-assurance. He normally didn’t seem surprised at anything. One thing I noticed was that he had almost no startle reflex, not to sounds or the lights going out, and definitely not to people sneaking up on him.

Impulsive: He usually did not consider the consequences before acting. He would buy lunches without thinking about gas money. He would borrow without knowing if he could repay. He would say things without considering how it would affect others, or their perception of him. He would decide to do things last minute or change his plans unexpectedly.

Poor behavior controls: My psychopath had a short temper, and while usually he reacted by staring, he would sometimes react with rude comments and outbursts such as slamming things, slapping (his children), arm squeezing (me and his children), and poking ribs with his finger (me). The poking and squeezing he would do to me when we were sitting next to each other, so other people couldn’t see. The staring was for when I was across the room. One time he didn’t like something I said and picked me up in a big painful bear hug and wouldn’t put me down. He did it with the same stare he would have given from across the room. He put me down after a couple minutes. I knew his ex-wife had claimed he was abusive and I said I thought maybe she wasn’t lying. Then I said if he ever laid a hand on me like that again or hit me someone was going to beat the hell out of him.

Need for excitement: My psychopath was frequently bored but he was also very lazy so his need for excitement wasn’t very dangerous. He preferred drama to danger, especially when he could portray himself as a victim or be filled with indignation. His ex-wife’s DUIs, his kids’ uniform requirements, child support, emergency car repairs, and countless little things were exaggerated and dramatized. My psychopath could not stand doing anything that required patience, practice, or sustained effort. Around the house he wouldn’t do anything beyond rough work; he would paint walls but not cut in and he would help hang drywall but wouldn’t finish it. Aside from cutting boards to length, anything requiring care and precision was beyond him. At the same time he would spend hours on end playing the same video games over and over, usually the car racing ones.

Lack of responsibility: My psychopath clearly had a lack of responsibility, and it was much more than not repaying his debts. He was irresponsible at work, where he was repeatedly caught sleeping and not fully performing his job duties. He was also unwilling to take on additional duties, and if he was given a special assignment he would neglect his regular work.

Outside work, he showed off the dog, but didn’t want to contribute to food or veterinary care, and wasn’t interested in the walking or training. He would buy fast food, or drinks at the convenient store all week and then not be able to pay the water bill or buy gas. He would spend too much money for food for one meal and then couldn’t afford to feed his children the next day. He would get his brother’s share of his cell phone bill and spend it. He would buy something he wanted then have to borrow gas money. He would say ‘we’ needed something, like a repair, or a shed, or to clean out the garage, or finish the kitchen, but that really meant I should make all the preparations, buy the materials, and start working on it, while he was ‘spending quality time’ with his children, which was what he called sleeping late, watching tv, playing video games, while ignoring his children. Sometimes it meant ignoring one child while taking the other to little league.

In parenting he decided all the instruction his children needed would be taught by their mother or at school, so he made no effort to teach them social skills or manners, and saw no reason to read to them or encourage them to read. One child was more than a year behind and had a aide at school, but he didn’t help the child practice any basic skills at home, like math, counting money, tying shoes, or telling time. Then he was angry when the child’s education plan included life skills and adapted assignments and tests. He modeled inappropriate behavior for his children, like poor manners, blaming others for his shortcomings, criticizing and tormenting for amusement, rearranging store merchandise, and disregarding laws meant to protect people, like not texting while driving. Sometimes he would punish his children for the same behaviors and sometimes he would encourage them.

Early behavior problems: I heard a few stories from his mother; one was about slashing tires and one included paint. She was not likely to present too many stories of bad childhood behavior when she was hoping I would relieve her of the burden of maintaining her son, and she believed his side of any story.

Adult antisocial behavior: Lying and manipulation were among my psychopath’s more prominent antisocial behaviors. He was very passive-aggressive at work and in his personal life. He enjoyed violating traffic laws, especially not wearing his seat belt, texting and driving, and not staying in his lane going around curves. Blaming others for his problems was frequent; He didn’t have enough money, and that was his ex-wife’s fault because he had to pay child support. His children behaved poorly because she didn’t teach them any better. He complained about not having enough money but wouldn’t work overtime when it was offered. He tried to bully his boss into a raise. He showed little consideration for others unless they could do something for him, like refusing to refer to his brother’s wife and his sister-in-law until he found out her ex-husband was a good mechanic. Much of what I’ve included under the other items on this list would be considered antisocial behavior.

After Hare’s list, he still seems more like a psychopath than not. I have one more list after this one.

Slightly used ring, 14 kt gold with a rather small, fake diamond with more sparkle than a real one.  Yes, that’s right, it’s little AND fake.  A few weeks ago, he insisted one of the things he left at my house was his diamond ring.  He either meant the puppy I got for him as his engagement ring (because he thought it wasn’t fair for him to not have one), or he meant the ring he gave me.  Neither of them are diamonds, though.  The way I see it, he’s not entitled to either since he’s the one who left the relationship, and he couldn’t even be bothered to break up with me.  He has to give up his ‘ring’ and I get to keep mine.

How do I know the ring is fake?  I looked it up on the internet the day after he proposed.  Why?  To see how much he spent on the ring instead of paying me back the down payment on his car.  I was disappointed, of course, but did I dump him over it?  No.  I grew up being taught to value people over objects, love over money, and the thought over the gift.  I had a flicker of doubt and felt guilty for it, so I put it out of my mind.  That was a bad move in retrospect, but I’ve noticed quite of few of those recently.

Flash forward to today and I’m single almost a year with a ring for sale.  The person I loved was a fake, his love for me was pretend, and the ring, little AND fake, was something to string me along.  I’ll be spending time with my family tonight, and MY dog, and my other dog (that he didn’t want or care about), and I’ll be in much better company, enjoying the kind of love he’ll never feel.  Happy Valentine’s day to me!

That’s my son’s opinion.  It IS a lot of words, but I spent five years in a relationship that was essentially fictional.  If the words were for my psychopath they would indeed be wasted, like all my words to him were, along with all time, money, efforts, and energy I spent.  And he’s unworthy, I should mention that.  He has an ego the size of a planet without the sense God gave a carrot.  He proved himself inept in so many ways it’s tempting to feel sorry for him.  Until I remember what he is.  I’ve been quiet all this time.  I haven’t started my own smear campaign against him or tried to turn anyone against him, and I think I’ll say just as much as I please because I’m worth it.  It doesn’t matter if nobody else reads them.  If people do, lovely.

I said I thought he was a psychopath and that’s what I’m going to call him, since I won’t be referring to him by name.  I’m relatively sure he has called me much worse.

This is Hervey Cleckley’s list from The Mask of Sanity. Section Three, Part III includes this list and discussions of the items in it.

1. Superficial charm and good “intelligence”
2. Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking
3. Absence of “nervousness” or psychoneurotic manifestations
4. Unreliability
5. Untruthfulness and insincerity
6. Lack of remorse and shame
7. Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
8. Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
9. Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
10. General poverty in major affective reactions
11. Specific loss of insight
12. Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
13. Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without
14. Suicide threats rarely carried out
15. Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
16. Failure to follow any life plan.

This is how I think my psychopath compare’s to Cleckley’s list.

Superficial charm and good “intelligence”:  When I first met him he was polite and I thought he was a little nervous (his eyes darted back and forth, so I thought ‘nervous’) but he seemed normal enough.  While he didn’t seem incredibly smart he didn’t seem to be lacking in intelligence.  He brought his kids with him, I thought maybe so he’d have an exit strategy, but he seemed to be a devoted father.  He had been laid off and was just called back the week I met him.  The first few weeks he was pleasant and attentive.  He made it a point to see me when he didn’t have his kids and later when he did have them.  He called or texted when I didn’t see him.  He was sweet and kind of goofy and nice.  He wasn’t charming the way some other guys are, but more like a teddy bear.

Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking:  He wasn’t delusional or irrational.  Later I would think of some of his statements as irrational, but I wouldn’t be sure if he was just saying these things to be contentious or if he really believed them.  Do delusions of grandeur count?

Absence of “nervousness” or psychoneurotic manifestations:  These were absent as far as I know.  He only seemed nervous twice in the entire time I knew him.

Unreliability:  He didn’t seem to be unreliable at first.  There were some hints, pertaining to debt, early on, but that didn’t seem unusual for a person who had been unemployed.  After we were engaged his unreliability increased steadily, especially concerning money, but also with the sharing of responsibility and emotional support.  Before we were engaged he drove from work to where I broke down when it was 14 below, so I could sit in his warm vehicle while I waited for the tow truck.  A couple years later I asked him to come help me with a flat tire – he was three blocks away, in my house, and he laughed at me.

Untruthfulness and insincerity:  These were things that seemed to increase after we were engaged.  Looking back, I think that they were happening from the beginning without me realizing it.  At first started to notice him exaggerating things when I knew the facts.  I noticed partial truths when he talked to other people.  He started embellishing the stories he’d already told me.  He looked me in the eyes and promised to pay me back, at $20 a week, the $833 I loaned him to fix one of his cars.  I borrowed against my house, and he stopped paying after the first $40.  This would also fit under ‘unreliable’, I suppose.  He lied about doing things at work that other people saw him do.  He got a personal loan without telling me before we were engaged, which didn’t bother me very much, but he got another one after that he didn’t tell me about.  He tried to tell the tax-preparation people he hadn’t got his tax return yet when the return had been taken against a debt.  That’s when I found out he lied about not using the tax-preparation company.  Right before he left he took money out of his 401K without saying anything, and then lied about how he spent it, at the same time he lied about moving his things out.  When I said I wanted some of my things back that he had he lied at least 16 times in five minutes.

Lack of remorse and shame:  He wouldn’t apologize or accept blame for things he did.  Guilt trips, even his mother’s, would not work on him.  In one of his army stories he shot and killed two men and he was proud of the fact he didn’t feel guilty because he was just following orders.  He bragged about putting his ex’s things out on the porch and locking her out, and about ruining her things.  He never seemed to regret any of his words or actions.  He was not ashamed of not paying his debts or being caught in a lie.  He wouldn’t acknowledge the lies at any time.

Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior:  His antisocial behaviors included deception (lying and manipulation), irresponsibility, being passive aggressive, failure to plan ahead, and a lack of consideration for others, especially the feelings of others.  These behaviors escalated both in his personal life and at work.  A list of passive aggressive behaviors can be found here.  Out of this list he increasingly exhibited: non-communication, avoiding/ignoring, procrastinating, obstructing, ambiguity, sulking, making excuses, victimization, blaming others, withholding, and learned helplessness.

Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience:  He had to have a big SUV with poor fuel efficiency but didn’t think about being able to pay for both the loan and gas money without sacrificing elsewhere.  He had been paying child support during several jobs but didn’t consider that a 30% raise would increase his child support payments at the next review.  He definitely didn’t consider that when he bought the car.  He’d had accounts turned over to collections, but wouldn’t pay a small monthly amount on a doctor’s bill to avoid it going to collections.  He did learn that I would help him with gas money and food money if I wasn’t short for paying my monthly bills.  He didn’t learn to manage any better when I stopped.

Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love:  Part of what Cleckley says is:

“In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath’s incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is capable of affection for another ill literally no degree. He is plainly capable of casual fondness, of likes and dislikes, and of reactions that, one might say, cause others to matter to him. These affective reactions are, however, always strictly limited in degree. In durability they also vary greatly from what is normal in mankind. The term absolute is, I believe, appropriate if we apply it to any affective attitude strong and meaningful enough to be called love, that is, anything that prevails in sufficient degree and over sufficient periods to exert a major influence on behavior.”

What love he might have had for me wasn’t strong or meaningful enough to make him spend time with my son, or pretend to enjoy the museum so I could have a nice time, or to sympathize with me in a time of loss.  I witnessed his love for his children not move him to do things he didn’t enjoy himself; he spent hours and hours with the one who played baseball, but sadly wouldn’t spend a fraction of the time one-on-one with the one who didn’t.

I noticed changes in him over time – his attitude and his behavior – but it wasn’t until it was over that I realized my psychopath’s ‘love’ for me, as demonstrated by his treatment of me, was directly proportional to the amount of money I spent on him (and how much I fed him).

General poverty in major affective reactions:  I think this is the case.  He just didn’t seem to have any.

Specific loss of insight:  In psychiatry insight refers to the ability to recognize one’s own mental illness.  I’m only sure he would not think anything in Cleckley’s list applies to him.

Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations:  From personal experience I say this is him.  In retrospect most of his kind gestures towards others seemed to be of benefit to him, making him appear to be nice, kind or generous.  He rarely showed appreciation or said ‘thank you’.  He usually said ‘you’re welcome’ when he thought he should be thanked.  I used to think him saying thinks like ‘my girlfriend made me this awesome blanket’ was his version of expressing gratitude, but I know now it was more accurately bragging about what he managed to get from me.

Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without:  He never had more that two drinks at a time in my presence so I don’t know about his behavior with drink.  He said once he got in trouble when he drank too much, so I assumed he was probably a mean drunk rather than a funny one and didn’t encourage him to drink.  Was there uninviting behavior without drink?  Drinking cider the night before his nephew’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese for the express purpose of being able to expel noxious fart clouds at the party, I think, would qualify as his best example.  To his dismay, all the farting took place the evening before.  His kids and I suffered terribly.  He was still amused, though, because we suffered terribly, and he completely lacks the sense of smell.

Suicide threats rarely carried out:  He didn’t threaten suicide as far as I know.

Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated:  I’m just not going to discuss sex.  My son will be happier that way.

Failure to follow any life plan:  Yes.  Apparently something like six years is his maximum commitment to anything aside from his children.  If he has a life plan, it is to win the lottery.  I know he has goals, but he doesn’t have the means to obtain them.  The goals he talked about were all related to having expensive things he could not have without working hard and saving, or winning the lottery.

At the end of the list I think he’s more likely a psychopath than not.

Basically, everything I’ve read indicates diagnosis should be left to professionals.  That’s not going to happen; he would never consider going to see a psychologist, psychiatrist, or even a therapist, because he thinks they’re quacks.  I don’t need a diagnosis for him so much as I need to be able to understand why my life was thrown into such a turmoil, while he just walked away without a care in the world.  Except that he wouldn’t leave me in peace.

I’m going to compare what I’ve read with what I’ve experienced and document what I learn.  This is my experience, so it will be subjective.  I can only try to be objective.  I can’t discuss his intentions, his unshared thoughts, or his feelings.  I can, however, discuss his words and actions, and his reactions, and state my opinions.  I’ll try to avoid drawing any conclusions that someone else wouldn’t also.  I think that’s fair.

I think he is, and I don’t think so just because I read the list of characteristics I saw on Facebook.  I think he is because I read that list and it was too familiar and I had to find out.  I read articles on the internet, and then books when the depth of the internet’s information was not enough.  And I think he is.

My life could have be completely ruined.  I consider myself lucky. I’m not going to lament my failed relationship, or torture myself with regrets and dreams of revenge.  I’m angry and I’m not forgiving or forgetting.  Forgiveness is for the repentant and I’d be a fool to forget.  I’m going to write all about it until I’m done.  That might be when I find a little more inner peace, or when my story is told, or when I no longer feel the urge to beat him into a bloody unrecognizable pulp.