and that would be PSYCHOPATH. Some people discover it while still in the relationship, but I found it after. That’s when I started recovering. It’s fairly easy to think “he might be a psychopath” but believing it takes work. I went through lists, which is obvious from my previous posts, but I had to go through them over and over. I could draw the conclusion he was a psychopath and I would start to feel better because it made sense, but feeling guilty and second-guessing myself would send me right back into confusion and feeling miserable and I would have to start over. Then, the evidence I’d gathered would eventually not be enough so I would have to find more.

Part of the problem was basically brainwashing. I really thought for a long time that I was as selfish and mean as he made me feel. I didn’t start out as a doormat but I ended up as one, feeling guilty about standing up for myself because it made things worse. Standing up for myself drove him away, of course, because doormats shouldn’t fight back.

Part of the problem was not wanting to let go of what I thought I had, a future with my soul mate. I invested time and money and myself in the relationship and the last thing I wanted was for that to have been wasted. Part of the problem was trauma bonds (you should look that up).

Part of the problem was not having anyone really backing me up. My immediate family was happy to see him gone but they didn’t buy into the “psychopath” part. They thought he was an ordinary asshole. Other people thought I was exaggerating, that he wasn’t that bad. I pretended nothing was really bad for a long time before it ended, and it backfired on me after. It was worse than I ever wanted to believe, but I couldn’t convince other people of that.

I spent months researching, isolating myself even more than the psychopath did, getting more and more angry. I started this blog the day I knew I wouldn’t have to see the psychopath any more, to help me focus and stop the whirling thoughts. A month later I joined an anonymous forum and found support from strangers going through the same thing. To be welcomed, understood, and no longer alone was a relief. It was also when the real work started.