It’s been about a year since I saw a link on Facebook that said “Are you dating a psychopath?” and I’m just getting to the point that I feel ready to write down here what it’s been like for me post-psychopath. Before I ever entertained the possibility of him being a psychopath, even before it was over, I knew he enjoyed upsetting me. I kept most of what I was feeling to myself because the last thing I wanted was to give him any kind of satisfaction. That turned out to be a good choice.

I spent the seven months between discard and seeing that link on Facebook alternating between barely holding it together in public and complete train wreck in private. Even coming out of a normal relationship it’s difficult having to see the person on a regular basis. Continuing to see the psychopath at work was downright torturous. He wasn’t satisfied with the damage he’d already done. He had to rub it in. He expected me to pretend there had been nothing between us the way he did, and if I ignored him or told him to leave me alone he’d mutter something with ‘unprofessional’ in it. He’d do passive aggressive things to provoke me, and if I reacted he’d tell his boss I was harassing him. He was the one causing harm, but he played the victim. I just didn’t understand.

That was seven months of pain and confusion for me, of feeling worthless, alone, sad, and angry. It wasn’t all darkness and gloom, but the bright spots were overshadowed. Finding out what he was gave me a glimmer of hope because there was finally the potential for answers to the questions I had. Getting answers led to more questions and it also made things worse before it got better. It didn’t feel safe, and I didn’t feel confident enough for a play-by-play of my sorting-out work. It’s better now, so future posts will describe how I dealt with those answers and new questions.