Psychopaths use a variety of tools against their victims. Here are some of them:

They lie: Psychopaths are pathological liars. They not only lie to get what they want and to manipulate, they lie because they like it. I knew my psychopath lied about some things and exaggerated others, but later I found out he was pathological. Catching him in lies and confronting him about them had several outcomes: He would not respond at all; or he would deny he said it; or he would say I misunderstood; or he would revise the lie to make it look like he had been just exaggerating; or he would just replace it, usually with another lie. He lied about trivial things and important things, and a year later I’m still learning about some of them.

They project: Psychopaths project their qualities and actions onto others. It’s not something reserved for victims, they do it to other people as well. In one of his more outrageous projections onto someone other than me my psychopath accused his future sister-in-law of latching onto his brother because she needed a place to stay and someone to take care of her. The only difference between her and the psychopath was the timeline, because my house wasn’t ready to live in yet. He also accused her of being too lazy to work, but had tried to convince me he’d have more money if he quit his job. He accused me of all kinds of things, including hating his children, being selfish, being inconsiderate, and not being supportive. All projection.

They blame: Psychopaths blame others for their own actions and misfortunes. They will not accept responsibility for anything negative. My psychopath didn’t have enough money because his ex-wife wanted child support, and because he didn’t earn enough money. It didn’t have anything to do with his frivolous spending. He blamed his kids when he was late coming to see me. He blamed me for taking them back late to their mother, because I didn’t cook supper soon enough. He blamed me when the power went out. I bought him a laptop and he blamed me a year later when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.

They triangulate: Psychopaths use a third person to cause jealousy or change a victim’s behavior. My psychopath liked to talk about how his first ex-mother-in-law wanted him to get back together with his ex, how much she missed him, and how the ex was still single. He liked to talk about how his second ex wasn’t really over him. He talked about how great other women were. All trying to make me feel jealous. He used to talk about his first ex-father-in-law controlled the television, and mealtimes, so everything was just the way he liked it, as if I should let him be that way, too. He talked a lot about what bad cooks his exes all were so of course I cooked better for him. There were plenty of other shortcomings I was supposed to make up for and did. Unfortunately, it was before I knew he was a pathological liar.

They use charm: Psychopaths can be very charming, smooth, and charismatic, which is useful in attracting victims and other useful people. It also helps them maintain an image and get out of trouble. My psychopath was not charming in the general public. He wasn’t very good looking, or bright, and not at all eloquent, so he wasn’t charming in public. On a personal level he could pretend to be sweet, which is as close to charming as he got. The charming psychopaths are able to secure their own groups of loyal followers. Often they are able to get these followers to work on their behalf in order to woo targets or punish victims. Mine has ‘friends’ on social media, where it’s easier to keep up appearances. They like and comment on his posts, and show support, but he is rather limited on using them.

They use pity: Psychopaths frequently use pity. Martha Stout said the pity play was the best indicator. It’s easy for a psychopath to get pity, especially knowing the target has empathy. Mine used his exes’ supposed bad treatment of him, his lack of money, minor illnesses and injuries, and anything else he possibly could to get pity. Pity, in turn, helped him get the things he wanted. Food, shelter, money, attention, etc. His pity relied heavily on the other tools he used, especially lies, blame, and drama.

They use drama: Drama has many benefits for a psychopath. It’s great entertainment for psychopaths since they are prone to boredom. It can be a great way to get pity or appear to advantage. Sometimes it’s more for attention. A supposed hardship allows a psychopath to appear strong or capable or heroic, and comments about how well they behave or persevere will feed his ego.  The same hardship can be used to gain pity for being in an unpleasant situation, and the psychopath may receive help. Someone else’s hardship can give the psychopath the opportunity to play hero or sympathetic good guy, although the other person’s hardship will not be as difficult as any of the psychopath’s. Any drama can serve to make the psychopath the center of attention or to regain attention currently being given to someone else. It can also serve to shift attention to or away from issues. When there is a dearth of drama, a psychopath will manufacture it by causing a disruption or by blowing something out of proportion, usually using several of the other tools at his disposal.

They use props: Psychopaths use props for appearance, and they can be just about anything. Nice clothes and a nice car can give the appearance of wealth, power, or financial stability. Tools can give the impression of being handy. Some psychopaths choose to have long term partners to present an image of respectability, and they may even have a picture-perfect family. Children give the impression of responsibility and caring, as do pets. Almost anything can be used as a prop whether it belongs to the psychopath or not, and it can be hard to tell the difference. My psychopath used his children, the dog, and his car, among other things. The general population had no idea he didn’t think he should have to pay child support or buy dog food, or that he couldn’t get his own car loan.