Most people don’t understand what it’s like to have been in a relationship with a psychopath. When the relationship is over people expect the ‘getting over it’ and ‘moving on’ to be the same as it would be for a relationship with anyone else. They express frustration and even boredom when the psychopath and the relationship are continuing topics. They see the victims as dwelling on the relationship rather than fighting to get past it. What they say and how they act toward the victim is based on their understanding of and experience with normal relationships.

Most people hear the word psychopath and associate it with serial killers or Norman Bates. Many people refer to ex-partners or friends as ‘psychos’, so an assumption is made that the victim is using the term psychopath in the same way. Even if a person were to make a study of psychopathy they would have only an intellectual understanding of psychopathy. The same person could study the effects of psychopathy on victims and have an intellectual understanding of those as well. This person could also have empathy and understand the various emotions the victims have and feel for the victim. They can imagine being in a situation with a psychopath and how it feels, but imagination falls short of knowing and understanding. It falls short in the same way imagining the loss of a loved one falls short of experiencing the actual loss.

Normal relationships are built on things that are mutual: love, respect, affection, understanding, trust, goals, companionship, and a long list of other things. A relationship with a psychopath is a relationship built on lies, deception, and manipulation, but the victim will not really know this until after forming an attachment. The attachment, along with continued lies, projections, and other psychopathic methods, will obscure the truth.

The devaluation of the victim begins when the psychopath is secure in the knowledge that the victim’s attachment, and it may be abrupt and immediate or gradual, but it will happen. The victim will try to restore the relationship to what it was (seemed to be) in the beginning. The victim may accept responsibility for the failing relationship because the psychopath doesn’t or because the victim is being blamed. The victim’s life can become full of confusion, fear, guilt, and even denial, especially if the psychopath provides doses of idealization. Discard will eventually follow. It may be a complete discard or the first of many, but it will happen. Discards are always painful and confusing for victims.

The end of a normal relationship brings sadness and a sense of loss, or even a sense of devastation, followed by a period of recovery and moving on. Both parties go their separate ways and can even remain friends, depending on the circumstances. In normal relationships both parties are invested and both will lose something when the relationship is over. Relationships with psychopaths don’t end that way. Psychopaths can be cruel or cold, and they assign blame to the victim. Often the psychopath will move on quickly to another victim, broadcasting their happiness while the last victim is still reeling. Realizing, at any point, that the relationship was nothing but lies and deception can be as devastating as the discard itself. The victim can have denial, self-blame, shame, and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Seeing the psychopath feeling nothing but superiority and disdain enhances these feelings in the victims. The end of a relationship with a psychopath is nothing short of traumatic.

The end of a relationship with a psychopath might not look very different on the surface to most people. The psychopath moves on so they expect the same from the victim, completely unaware of the trauma. The chances are that if the victim was abused (physically, emotionally, or otherwise) during the relationship, the victim hid or downplayed it. The psychopath would have already carried out a smear campaign accusing the victim of being abusive, and accusations of abuse by the victim would then be seen as vindictive lies.

Most people will see the psychopath moving on and think that the victim should be moving on as well, not realizing the psychopath wasn’t invested in the relationship like the victim was. They see the psychopath ‘recovering’ from the relationship, making it appear that the victim is ‘dwelling on it’. They don’t take into account how much damage the victim has suffered or how many feelings need to be processed and worked through, because their experience is limited to normal relationships. Most people see the psychopath broadcasting their happiness on social media and don’t realize that it’s really another way to further their torment of the victim. They see the psychopath moving on. If they see the psychopath broadcasting heartache and sadness, they will believe the psychopath is truly suffering, not knowing it’s a pity-play. Meanwhile the victim retreats out of desperation, faced with trying to explain what’s happened to people who can’t truly understand, while still trying to understand it her/himself.