This is the list of symptoms from Robert D. Hare’s Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us. Hare’s profile is comprised of the items on his widely-used Psychpathy Checklist. While stating the need for professional diagnosis, Hare also cautions that people can have some symptoms without being psychopathic. He also describes psychopathy as a syndrome (cluster of symptoms). There are two facets to psychopathy in Hare’s description, one being “the way psychopaths think and feel about themselves and others” and the other is “a chronically unstable and aimless lifestyle marked by casual and flagrand violations of social norms and expectations”.

Glib and superficial: They can be witty and articulate, quick and clever, amusing and entertaining in conversation, likeable, and charming. They can tell unlikely stories that make themselves look good, and it is typical for them to try to appear familiar with a wide range of subjects. A warning sign mentioned is a lack of concern when they are found to have nothing more than a superficial knowledge of a subject.

My psychopath was usually the star of his own stories, whether he was the hero or the victim. If he wasn’t, the star was was usually the person in whose place he wanted to be, like the person who got even or the person who won the lottery. I met one probable psychopath who was so smooth and charming it was creepy, even without taking into consideration the fact we were at his mother-in-law’s calling hours. Mine wasn’t that smooth. While he went to some length with me, he didn’t make much of an effort to cultivate a positive image of himself outside his immediate circle. If he did, the effort was short-lived or periodic sucking-up when he wanted something. I was actually surprised to find, after getting him a job where I worked, that people thought he was dumb once they had worked together for a few days.

Egocentric and Grandiose: Hare says “Psychopaths have a narcissistic and grossly inflated view of their self-worth and importance, a truly astounding egocentricity and sense of entitlement, and see themselves as the center of the universe, as superior beings who are justified in living according to their own rules.” Adjectives used to describe them are arrogant, shameless, opinionated, domineering, and cocky.

I think everyone is egocentric to an extent, but most of us have gradually given up our initial position of being the center of the universe. Not my psychopath. He sulked through a holiday with my family because I didn’t prepare him his own special dish, even though I told him the night before that I forgot to pick up the necessary ingredients. He had a job as a technician/laborer, but was convinced he should be and would be the manager. He deserved name brands, licensed sportswear, and expensive toys but saw no reason to work or save for them. He bragged about the things he had, the things he used to have, his impressive work as a shipping clerk and line cook, his little league and high school sports, his ex-wives, and one of his children. Eventually even his hard-luck stories were more like bragging.

Lack of remorse or guilt: He wasn’t sorry about breaking things, showing up late, or hurting other people, and was unlikely to admit having had anything to do with it. He had no remorse in not paying his bills or when the collection agencies called his family. He showed no remorse in not buying presents for his nephews and nieces. He showed no remorse when he directly or indirectly offended someone.

Lack of empathy: My psychopath could not put himself in anyone’s place and he didn’t see how it was necessary. His mother, in discussing his kids and his parenting, would ask him how he felt when he was in a similar situation as a child. Sometimes he would say he had been mad or felt bad, but usually he didn’t say anything. He didn’t see any connection between his childhood and those of his children. The best example of his lack of empathy: while he was sulking over his disappointing holiday meal, my family was struggling with our first holiday without my father, who had died the previous month, and the holiday fell on my father’s birthday. The closest my psychopath got to a display of empathy was a shallow statement of knowing how someone felt before launching into a story about something he claimed happened to him.

Deceitful and manipulative: While it seemed my psychopath’s lying increased exponentially over time, it’s probable that I just didn’t recognize the lies as easily in the beginning, and he was sloppier with them at the end. Sometimes the joke was on me, like when he said one particular kind of cake was his father’s favorite, and I should make one for his birthday gift. After the second or third time I found out it wasn’t his fathers favorite, but his. The manipulation is much more obvious in retrospect. The majority was based on pity. I cooked homemade food for him because his ex couldn’t couldn’t (or maybe wouldn’t) cook, and his cooking skills didn’t go beyond making things out of cans and boxes. I had to buy him personal care items because he spent all his money on lunch for us.

My psychopath didn’t want to be around me when I was angry, and he would purposely do or say something to start an argument, then refuse to argue to make me angrier, and then go play video games or watch sports at his parents’ house and I would get the silent treatment. This happened only once or twice in the first two years, maybe every two or three months in the second two years, and monthly or more during the last year. The few times he actually argued during an argument, instead of sitting and staring, it was loud and theatrical and over something he found offensive that he hadn’t found offensive before.

I know now that the repeated non-arguments and silent treatments at the end were part of his exit strategy, something he could use so his parents would let him stay full time in their basement again instead of just when he had his children. I am as sure of this as I am sure that most of the big relationship events were manipulation. Once he was established as my boyfriend and was convinced his job was too dangerous I got him a job where I worked. The pre-engagement ring came right before he needed a down payment and a co-signer for a new vehicle. The new vehicle was a rush because the old one was damaged from driving it (where I repeatedly told him not to) at work. When I didn’t think he needed new tires, one of the existing tires started to go repeatedly flat just a week later, so I had to lend him the money for new tires. The engagement ring came when we were working on my house so we could move in together. Right after the engagement he suggested I find another job because it would be awkward if we were married and worked together, too, but that didn’t work out for him. He made a big show of buying things for the house at tax return time, just once, when he saw that my money didn’t allow things to move as fast as he wanted, and that was around the time his mother started talking about him getting an apartment because the house was taking too long.

Shallow emotions: His emotions were shallow. He seemed happy sometimes, but usually only if he got something he wanted. My agreeing to marry him got less of a happy reaction than his favorite team winning. I don’t think he had joy but he could be content. He could be irritated easily and he would sit and stare. Irritation seemed to be as close to embarrassment as he could get. He didn’t have shame. He could be frustrated. He only got really angry a few times that I witnessed. If he was asked if he was sad about something he might say yes, but, judging by how much more upset he was over losing his sunglasses than his grandfather, I would say genuine grief was beyond him, as was sympathy for the losses of others. He could miss people as much as things but not more. He was clearly capable of having likes and dislikes. I wrote about love in the post about Cleckley’s list. His love was not deep or strong enough to effect any sort of change in his behavior. He could pretend love and seem sincere but He probably wasn’t capable of hate though he did have an abiding contempt for people he thought wronged him. He showed signs of affection sometimes. He claimed to be scared of heights but not of anything else. I never saw him fearful, intimidated, anxious, depressed, or worried. I did see him jealous and envious. He was definitely capable of pride and self-assurance. He normally didn’t seem surprised at anything. One thing I noticed was that he had almost no startle reflex, not to sounds or the lights going out, and definitely not to people sneaking up on him.

Impulsive: He usually did not consider the consequences before acting. He would buy lunches without thinking about gas money. He would borrow without knowing if he could repay. He would say things without considering how it would affect others, or their perception of him. He would decide to do things last minute or change his plans unexpectedly.

Poor behavior controls: My psychopath had a short temper, and while usually he reacted by staring, he would sometimes react with rude comments and outbursts such as slamming things, slapping (his children), arm squeezing (me and his children), and poking ribs with his finger (me). The poking and squeezing he would do to me when we were sitting next to each other, so other people couldn’t see. The staring was for when I was across the room. One time he didn’t like something I said and picked me up in a big painful bear hug and wouldn’t put me down. He did it with the same stare he would have given from across the room. He put me down after a couple minutes. I knew his ex-wife had claimed he was abusive and I said I thought maybe she wasn’t lying. Then I said if he ever laid a hand on me like that again or hit me someone was going to beat the hell out of him.

Need for excitement: My psychopath was frequently bored but he was also very lazy so his need for excitement wasn’t very dangerous. He preferred drama to danger, especially when he could portray himself as a victim or be filled with indignation. His ex-wife’s DUIs, his kids’ uniform requirements, child support, emergency car repairs, and countless little things were exaggerated and dramatized. My psychopath could not stand doing anything that required patience, practice, or sustained effort. Around the house he wouldn’t do anything beyond rough work; he would paint walls but not cut in and he would help hang drywall but wouldn’t finish it. Aside from cutting boards to length, anything requiring care and precision was beyond him. At the same time he would spend hours on end playing the same video games over and over, usually the car racing ones.

Lack of responsibility: My psychopath clearly had a lack of responsibility, and it was much more than not repaying his debts. He was irresponsible at work, where he was repeatedly caught sleeping and not fully performing his job duties. He was also unwilling to take on additional duties, and if he was given a special assignment he would neglect his regular work.

Outside work, he showed off the dog, but didn’t want to contribute to food or veterinary care, and wasn’t interested in the walking or training. He would buy fast food, or drinks at the convenient store all week and then not be able to pay the water bill or buy gas. He would spend too much money for food for one meal and then couldn’t afford to feed his children the next day. He would get his brother’s share of his cell phone bill and spend it. He would buy something he wanted then have to borrow gas money. He would say ‘we’ needed something, like a repair, or a shed, or to clean out the garage, or finish the kitchen, but that really meant I should make all the preparations, buy the materials, and start working on it, while he was ‘spending quality time’ with his children, which was what he called sleeping late, watching tv, playing video games, while ignoring his children. Sometimes it meant ignoring one child while taking the other to little league.

In parenting he decided all the instruction his children needed would be taught by their mother or at school, so he made no effort to teach them social skills or manners, and saw no reason to read to them or encourage them to read. One child was more than a year behind and had a aide at school, but he didn’t help the child practice any basic skills at home, like math, counting money, tying shoes, or telling time. Then he was angry when the child’s education plan included life skills and adapted assignments and tests. He modeled inappropriate behavior for his children, like poor manners, blaming others for his shortcomings, criticizing and tormenting for amusement, rearranging store merchandise, and disregarding laws meant to protect people, like not texting while driving. Sometimes he would punish his children for the same behaviors and sometimes he would encourage them.

Early behavior problems: I heard a few stories from his mother; one was about slashing tires and one included paint. She was not likely to present too many stories of bad childhood behavior when she was hoping I would relieve her of the burden of maintaining her son, and she believed his side of any story.

Adult antisocial behavior: Lying and manipulation were among my psychopath’s more prominent antisocial behaviors. He was very passive-aggressive at work and in his personal life. He enjoyed violating traffic laws, especially not wearing his seat belt, texting and driving, and not staying in his lane going around curves. Blaming others for his problems was frequent; He didn’t have enough money, and that was his ex-wife’s fault because he had to pay child support. His children behaved poorly because she didn’t teach them any better. He complained about not having enough money but wouldn’t work overtime when it was offered. He tried to bully his boss into a raise. He showed little consideration for others unless they could do something for him, like refusing to refer to his brother’s wife and his sister-in-law until he found out her ex-husband was a good mechanic. Much of what I’ve included under the other items on this list would be considered antisocial behavior.

After Hare’s list, he still seems more like a psychopath than not. I have one more list after this one.