I think he is, and I don’t think so just because I read the list of characteristics I saw on Facebook. I think he is because I read that list and it was too familiar and I had to find out. I read articles on the internet, and then books when the depth of the internet’s information was not enough. And I think he is.
My life could have be completely ruined. I consider myself lucky. I’m not going to lament my failed relationship, or torture myself with regrets and dreams of revenge. I’m angry and I’m not forgiving or forgetting. Forgiveness is for the repentant and I’d be a fool to forget. I’m going to write all about it until I’m done. That might be when I find a little more inner peace, or when my story is told, or when I no longer feel the urge to beat him into a bloody unrecognizable pulp.
Hi; I’m [——]’s colleague; he directed me to your blog.
FWIW, I can share my experience in these things. [——] can probably guess the names of the people involved, but such people don’t deserve to be named. It’s about cleaning up after they leave, not about them.
Anyhow, may I suggest you trust your gut. If you think this person is a pyschopath, they are…something. Not to quibble about what the DSM says; it’s enough to know that if there’s a red flag it’s there for a reason.
I’ve worked closely with several people whose behaviour I’ve examined and compared against various checklists as “psychopath” or something similar. They fit. Not a diagnosis, of course; I’m not qualified to make such. Just analyzing what I observe.
Also a family member who exhibits this same behaviour–one which I can’t just “walk away from” either; fortunately they are in a different state and I don’t interact with them often!
I don’t even bother arguing with them; they’re much better at it and are not bound by ethics or fairness when they speak. Folks like this have the ability to manipulate and they’re very good at that, too. Many times I didn’t even realize I was being manipulated until it was long after the fact. And the silly thing was this person could have simply *asked* “Would you please do this thing” and I would have happily done it! But they prefer to trick and manipulate; that’s what they do.
It’s humiliating. Knowing that somebody is such such a good manipulator that they can trick you seven ways before you even discover the first lie. Of course some things these people say are true (put there only to win your confidence for the next lie).
It made me question myself: “What am I–so stupid this person can make me do their bidding? Am I weak-willed?” And then when the idea that “everything–that is EVERY thing this person has done is a lie” occurs to me, the question is “What am I–paranoid?”
Of course it turns out that when I speak to any person the psychopath has dealt with over the years–and I spoke to many–they ALL tell the same story. Everything this person says is a lie. IF they ever appear to (or even actually do) say a true thing or keep a promise, it is ONLY to win your confidence and use that confidence against you. Of course there are people like this; you are not paranoid; there’s a name for them: That is what “Con-man” means!
After the con wears out his welcome, they move on to find new suckers. Sometimes there’s a person in the group (job or family) who refuses to see that the con is a con. And then they never leave. So what to do? Leave the family? Leave the job? Not good options. Distance myself as much as possible from the con and know they are what they are. Maybe they will change…and if they do, then good for them! Leave me out of it. OK, that works.
But I learned something from these people, and for that I am grateful. Not grateful to them–grateful that I have had the experience and learned from it.
In the past, I chose to ignore that red flag–of course, how can I condemn somebody the moment I meet them? Who am I to judge so quickly? Let me give them a chance to prove themself.
Not any more. When a red flag appears, I pay attention to it.
The next two con men that came into my life have been able to waste FAR LESS of my patience and serenity.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I truly appreciate it. “It’s about cleaning up after they leave…” – That’s a really good way to put it. Right now I’m about done stifling my intuition at this point, except for when it’s needed to keep me from blurting out something inappropriate. Our (anonymized) mutual friend can give you an example of why that might be necessary…
So, I was struggling until I saw that list of symptoms; I was all like, poor me, I want to rip his lungs out, what’s wrong with me? Then LIGHT BULB! He could be a psychopath. Then LIGHT BULB! I have blog fodder and (yay!) my own domain name. I’m starting to feel better already. And expecting no direct psychopath contact in the immediate future I’m feeling strangely optimistic.