and that would be PSYCHOPATH. Some people discover it while still in the relationship, but I found it after. That’s when I started recovering. It’s fairly easy to think “he might be a psychopath” but believing it takes work. I went through lists, which is obvious from my previous posts, but I had to go through them over and over. I could draw the conclusion he was a psychopath and I would start to feel better because it made sense, but feeling guilty and second-guessing myself would send me right back into confusion and feeling miserable and I would have to start over. Then, the evidence I’d gathered would eventually not be enough so I would have to find more.

Part of the problem was basically brainwashing. I really thought for a long time that I was as selfish and mean as he made me feel. I didn’t start out as a doormat but I ended up as one, feeling guilty about standing up for myself because it made things worse. Standing up for myself drove him away, of course, because doormats shouldn’t fight back.

Part of the problem was not wanting to let go of what I thought I had, a future with my soul mate. I invested time and money and myself in the relationship and the last thing I wanted was for that to have been wasted. Part of the problem was trauma bonds (you should look that up).

Part of the problem was not having anyone really backing me up. My immediate family was happy to see him gone but they didn’t buy into the “psychopath” part. They thought he was an ordinary asshole. Other people thought I was exaggerating, that he wasn’t that bad. I pretended nothing was really bad for a long time before it ended, and it backfired on me after. It was worse than I ever wanted to believe, but I couldn’t convince other people of that.

I spent months researching, isolating myself even more than the psychopath did, getting more and more angry. I started this blog the day I knew I wouldn’t have to see the psychopath any more, to help me focus and stop the whirling thoughts. A month later I joined an anonymous forum and found support from strangers going through the same thing. To be welcomed, understood, and no longer alone was a relief. It was also when the real work started.

It’s been about a year since I saw a link on Facebook that said “Are you dating a psychopath?” and I’m just getting to the point that I feel ready to write down here what it’s been like for me post-psychopath. Before I ever entertained the possibility of him being a psychopath, even before it was over, I knew he enjoyed upsetting me. I kept most of what I was feeling to myself because the last thing I wanted was to give him any kind of satisfaction. That turned out to be a good choice.

I spent the seven months between discard and seeing that link on Facebook alternating between barely holding it together in public and complete train wreck in private. Even coming out of a normal relationship it’s difficult having to see the person on a regular basis. Continuing to see the psychopath at work was downright torturous. He wasn’t satisfied with the damage he’d already done. He had to rub it in. He expected me to pretend there had been nothing between us the way he did, and if I ignored him or told him to leave me alone he’d mutter something with ‘unprofessional’ in it. He’d do passive aggressive things to provoke me, and if I reacted he’d tell his boss I was harassing him. He was the one causing harm, but he played the victim. I just didn’t understand.

That was seven months of pain and confusion for me, of feeling worthless, alone, sad, and angry. It wasn’t all darkness and gloom, but the bright spots were overshadowed. Finding out what he was gave me a glimmer of hope because there was finally the potential for answers to the questions I had. Getting answers led to more questions and it also made things worse before it got better. It didn’t feel safe, and I didn’t feel confident enough for a play-by-play of my sorting-out work. It’s better now, so future posts will describe how I dealt with those answers and new questions.

It is three years ago. Yesterday my father died after a long illness, but unexpectedly. It is a Friday, and I have taken the day off work. The psychopath will come to my parents’ house and one of his kids will say he heard my dad died and the ask what we’re going to do with dad’s chair. I will spend the evening working on halloween costumes for the psychopath and the other kid. Tomorrow or the next day I will become frustrated with the psychopath’s costume. I will announce that I can’t deal with it. I will shove everything into bags and tell him to get rid of it. He will look at me as though I’m crazy. He will take his kids and go home, thinking that I’m being unreasonable. I will be tired of holding myself together. He hasn’t offered any sympathy or said he’s sorry, and if I cry I will get the silent treatment. He doesn’t like to be around me when I’m upset or angry. I’ve known this for a long time. He will ignore me if I need or expect emotional support. I learned that at the beginning of the year.

Tomorrow the psychopath will go shopping for dress pants so he can be presentable for the funeral service, but he’ll wear my father’s dress socks because he won’t buy those. Monday will be halloween and Dad’s funeral. The psychopath will come to the funeral mass, and he will put his arm around my shoulders when his parents come into the church. His father will hug me but the psychopath won’t. He will visit with people in the hall after mass and eat the food. Later he will pick up his kids for trick-or-treating. One of them will mope because his costume wasn’t done. The attitude will irritate the psychopath and I will be a little happy about that.

The next day the psychopath will ignore the fact that Dad ever existed. He will expect everything to go back to normal. He will not understand grief or mourning, and I will have to to deal with mine when he’s not around. My brothers will be far enough away to not be able to help Mom with the autumn yard work. Mom and I will figure out how to get the lawn tractor set to pick up and bag the leaves and we will work very hard in the evenings before it gets dark. The psychopath will not show up until after dark, and he will act as though I’m neglecting him by helping Mom. He and his kids will come over one Saturday and they will grumble because they are expected to help. The psychopath  will get tired of loading and unloading the pickup  and will say he’ll have someone come and take the rest of the bagged leaves to the compost facility. The leaves will still be there in the spring. The psychopath and his kids will be fed a nice meal in exchange for their efforts, but the psychopath will believe the meal should be given whether he helps or not. He will only show up after the work is done from then on.

The next month Thanksgiving will fall on Dad’s birthday. The psychopath will spend the day sulking because he didn’t have his own food. This will be my fault even though I tell him the day before that he will need to bring the ingredients if he wants it. He will complain about having to eat turkey, about having to wait for pie, and about what we choose to have on TV. He will continue to mope because nobody feels sorry for him, and he will be offended when I tell him he can go to his family’s without me. This will be the day my family begins to despise him.

In another month the psychopath will be upset that I won’t charge all the Christmas presents, and it will not matter to him that I have been struggling to pay my bills. I will make sure his siblings’ children get gifts and I will put both our names on them so they won’t think he’s a jerk, just like I did last year when he only helped pick out one thing for one nephew and didn’t pay for anything. I will do the same thing next year when he will contribute two whole dollars. Next year he will have to buy his kids’ presents himself and he will be disappointed.

The psychopath will start moving his things out and he will leave my last text unanswered a year and a half from now. He won’t quit the job I got him for another nine months, which will be a couple months after he starts bragging about his new girl friend. Around the time he starts bragging about her I will figure out what he is. I will spend several months researching, and eventually I will understand exactly what happened. I will accept that he is a psychopath and all that that entails. I will recognise the covert abuse and I will see myself first as a victim and then as a survivor.

The psychopath, meanwhile will continue the smear campaign he began even before Dad died. He will spend at least what he owes me for his car getting the locks changed so I can’t take ‘his’ car. He will be angry that my name is on the title with his. He will quit the job I got him while bragging about the one he’ll be taking, but that won’t be real and he’ll be unemployed and still living in his parents basement. I won’t find out what he does with his 401K money. He will buy his new girlfriend a car, but that relationship will end and I will laugh about it when I hear about it. He will be mostly broke and unemployed. He will get another another girlfriend, who will buy him things and finish the halloween costume I started in time for “midevil fair”, and she’ll have my deepest sympathies because I’ll know what she’ll really be getting.

It’s October 28, 2011 and my future is a year and a half of silent treatments and emotional abuse, followed by seven months of limbo, four months of researching, reliving, and processing, and a lot of recovery. I will finish projects, reduce my debt, and make a new life without the psychopath. I will learn to count my blessings and listen to my intuition. I will take care of myself, I will heal, and I will spread awareness. I don’t know it yet, but I will.

I’ve written about the smear campaign a little bit, but I think it deserves a little more attention. The smear campaign starts before the discard, during devaluation. I wrote before that the smear campaign started no later than halfway through the fifth and final year. A couple months ago I realized that it started much earlier, and that he’d only ramped it up during the last six months.

We met in the spring of 2008, and were engaged after about a year and a half. The incident I recalled a couple months ago took place in the fall of 2009 or the spring of 2010, while the relationship didn’t end until the spring of 2013. What I remembered was a conversation with the psychopath’s son, who told me that he and his father and brother weren’t ever going to live at my house. When I asked him why he said that, he said his father told him so. He went on to tell me his father said that I was only using him because I needed him to finish the house, and when it was done I would kick them all out. I told the kid it wasn’t true and that I didn’t need his father to finish the house because I could do it myself. I didn’t think any more about it until recently. So, he started covertly, and I’m sure there were many things that weren’t repeated to me over the next few years, little digs at me when talking to other people, laying the groundwork so his future slander would be believable.

The smear campaign covers a lot of territory.

According to the psychopath, I’m crazy, which I understand is a very popular choice for a smear. It is with him, there’s at least one other crazy one who seems perfectly normal. People who don’t buy into his bullshit or see things his way get labels like crazy, unbalanced, jealous, dumb, annoying, or ‘so dramatic’. Those are some of the words he used to describe his exes and some of his family members.

I’m also the reason he had no money, because he spent all his on me and my house. I know he’s said I owe him money, which is his projection. The truth would be that I spent all kinds of money on him and his kids, loaned him money he refuses to repay, and borrowed money to loan him that he refuses to repay. He blames everyone but himself for not having any money. When we were together he blamed his ex because he had to pay child support, and his boss for not giving him a raise. Now, he did buy some things for my house, but it was a “see what an awesome Valentine’s day present I got you?” kind of gift. He told everyone how awesome he was for months after. Half of the stuff ended up siting in the boxes because he wasn’t interested in helping to install it. At the beginning of this year I got an invoice demanding payment for $20/hour, 40 hours/week, for four years as “proof” that I owe him instead of the other way around.

He’s said I kicked him out, when he had been sneaking his things out of the house for weeks, without saying anything to me, before I changed the locks. I did threaten to kick him out if he didn’t pay the water bill, and also when he wanted to quit his job so he could “have more money”, but no, I didn’t kick him out. That’s a pity-play. His parents were more likely to take him back full-time if he was kicked out.

He said I was mean to his kids, which is his way of saying I treated them as I do my own. I happen to believe children should have boundaries, rules, and consequences. There’s an article over at Heartless Bitches International, How to Create an Evil Stepmother, that includes some of his tactics.

He’s hinted that I lied to him and cheated on him. This is projection for the lies, since he’s a pathological liar. The cheating is either projection (I don’t have proof, only suspicions based on his behavior) or outright fabrication. I’m not the one who kept texting “my brother” when we were supposed to be spending time together, and I’m not the one who started being secretive with the cell phone, either.

I’m sure there’s something about wanting to take HIS truck away, which would have to do with my name being on the title with his and my refusal to give him my keys. I co-signed for it and he still owes me for the down payment. The keys and my name on the title were perfectly acceptable conditions before the relationship ended. He probably spent more than what he owes me for the down payment getting the locks, etc. changed, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still legally half mine.

There’s probably something about keeping HIS dog, which would be the dog that he left and never, in the nine months we still worked together, asked about. He moved home to his parents’ basement without making a plan for the dog, so it must be my fault, right? Oh, yes, because I ‘kicked him out’. He couldn’t afford to help with the veterinary bills or buying food for the dog, he made that quite clear for two years. That was probably because he was spending all his money on me. It’s strange though, once he unloaded me as the huge financial burden, he stayed in the basement.

I think he’s probably also said that my house was his, or at least ‘ours’, since I know he told at least one person that ‘we got a house that we’re fixing up’. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t around when I signed the closing papers in 1993, but then I’m totally selfish like that. I wouldn’t be just selfish (along with crazy) though, I’m sure I’m needy, controlling, deceitful, lazy, and a few other adjectives to go with his projections.

Speaking of projection, he must have said I’m a stalker, too, since he spent all those months driving by my house, and my mother’s house, to see where I was. Then there was the eavesdropping on my conversations at work, his alternate facebook account, and going through my mailbox for months after I told him to change his mailing address. Here’s an interesting tidbit: If you write ‘the idiot moved’ along with ‘return to sender’ on the mail before dropping it into the system, the post office starts sending it back automatically. Maybe it’s just our little local office, but it’s a nice value-added service.

The things I said I know about the smear campaign were suspicions that have been confirmed. The rest are unconfirmed suspicions based on my knowledge of the psychopath, his traits, his behavior during devaluation, and his statements about others. He’s a pathological liar. He projects, he blames, he seeks pity, and he plays the victim. It wasn’t hard to figure out the kind of things he’d say.

By the time I found out about the smear campaign it was already too late to do anything about it, which is typical. The psychopath had been spewing slander for a long time, and he’s still at it. I didn’t realize there was a smear campaign until months after the breakup. How likely was I to be believed, going around and telling people the truth after all that time? Not very. That’s just the equivalent of a little kid saying “no, I didn’t!” after being ratted out by some other little kid. It’s too late. He got there first, and the delay in trying to counter his lies would make me sound like I was guilty, or I would sound like the crazy, bitter ex trying to get even. Once a piece of information, true or not, gets into a person’s mind, it’s not easy to change or replace it. People are busy, and they don’t want to have to sort out what’s true. Most people don’t want any extra drama and they don’t want anyone rocking the boat.

It was tempting to take the smear campaign personally, after all it’s really irritating to know that there are people, some who don’t even know me, who think I’m a horrible person because of the smear campaign. The thing is, though, it’s not about me and it never was. It wasn’t about me when we met, when he proposed, when he devalued me, or when he discarded me, so it’s certainly not about me now. It was about him the entire time and what he could get or use. That’s how it will be for the next victim, too, and his friends, and his family.

I wouldn’t have believed any warnings I received about my psychopath, especially if they came from one of his ‘crazy exes’. Who’s going to believe this sweet teddy-bear of a man is a psychopath? No one will without seeing behind the mask. He’s your psychopath now, and there are facts you should know and signs you shouldn’t ignore:

If you notice that he acts differently with you around his family, the difference is because he is a different person for you than he is with his family. He has several personas, and one is just for you.

If his mother tells you he is ‘bad with money’, it will be a huge understatement. His credit is bad but it won’t be his fault. He doesn’t save or manage his money and he only grudgingly honors his financial obligations, or is forced to honor them through the courts.

He doesn’t like to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, and if he says them at all it will not last. If you give him a gift and he tells other people he’s lucky, or blessed, or says ‘so-and-so’ gave me this awesome (whatever)’, that is not some weird way of expressing gratitude. It’s a way to seem appreciative while he’s bragging about what he’s gotten.

If he’s talking to you and his eyes are shifting side-to-side, he is not nervous. That is a sign that he is either scheming or testing you to see what you’ll tolerate.

If you ask about his past, he will be vague about the lengths of his employment and relationships, and also about their order. He won’t be interested in your past unless you make it very obvious you want him to be. If you start talking about your past, he won’t really be interested, and if you talk about past relationships you’ll see in his eyes he doesn’t want to hear any of it. He will only be concerned about what you are at present, because this is what he wants to control.

He’ll talk about himself a lot. Try talking about your childhood, or your family, or your car and see how fast it becomes a conversation about him. When he’s talking about himself, you’ll notice he’s bragging or he’s talking about how bad something was for him. Sometimes he’ll brag about how bad something was. When he talks about the future, pay attention to how he talks about it. He’ll use the words ‘we’ and ‘us’, but you’ll see he’s thinking more about material things than he is about your relationship.

When he talks about his exes, all the negative things he says about them are meant to tell you how he expects you to behave. If he talks about how they are friends or how one wants him back, it is his intent to make you feel jealous. If he talks about destroying his ex’s possessions and locking her out of the house, you should take that as a warning.

You should know he doesn’t want any more children. If he’s serious about you and thinks you want children, he’ll let you think it’s a possibility. He won’t tell you for certain until after your relationship is solid. When he says ‘two kids is enough for me’, that means the only children he wants are his own. He has one or two stories about what a great stepfather he was, but mostly you’ll hear about how the child that wasn’t his was spoiled and would not comply with what he wanted. If you have your own children, he will demand respect and compliance from them and view any interference from you as spoiling the child and undermining his authority. He will pretend affection for the child(ren) until he’s sure of you, and then he’ll pay as little attention to them as possible. He will expect you to buy gifts for his children and will be jealous of the time, attention, and money you spend on your own.

He’ll be mostly neutral when you first meet him. He’ll be friendly and smile, he’ll be polite and interested in you, but he won’t have much of a personality. When he starts to get to know you he’ll start to seem more like the kind of guy you’d like. By then he’s already decided you have something he wants, and he’ll develop his persona for you from what he learns about you. There will be some trial and error on his part. If you call him out on his flattery he’ll back it off. If you express pleasure in a nice gesture or a little gift, they’ll be repeated. He’ll have similar interests and similar beliefs. You’ll be so compatible, it’ll be great.

You’ll get plenty of attention, in person or by text message. You’ll hear from him regularly at first. Later, he’ll change the timing so you hear from him earlier or later. Sometimes it will be hours later than usual, but he’ll contact you eventually. If you ask why you didn’t hear from him he’ll give you some little excuse, and you’ll be letting him know you were thinking of him. He’ll like that. If you’re worth pursuing you’ll hear from him often and you’ll see a lot of him. You’ll have a lot of time with just the two of you, and you probably won’t realize he’s starting to isolate you.

He’ll pay for your food and buy your drinks and he’ll seem very generous. He might even turn down your offers to pay, for a while at least. Once he’s sure you like him well enough he’ll let you pay. Once you set that precedent you’ll pay regularly.

He’ll present himself as a nice guy, down on his luck but a hard worker, smart, generous, considerate, and a good father. He has plenty of people who believe that’s exactly what he is. He has a lot of Facebook friends and acquaintances, but most of those people don’t know him very well. That also includes his family, because he does what he can to control the information they receive. You’ll know if you say the wrong thing to them.

He can act nice and he can be nice, but he is not kind. Kindness does not demand gratitude or reciprocity. You should do a search, so you’ll understand the difference in a way that makes sense for you. Some other search terms for you to consider are ’emotional abuse’, with or without the word ‘covert’, ‘intermittent reinforcement’, ‘pathological lying’, and ‘passive aggressive’.

He’s interested in making money, but not very interested in actually working for it. You’ll notice that in all his jobs he was an excellent, though underpaid, employee. He was very good at his work and often played a crucial role. Some jobs he left due to other opportunities, while others he lost because of circumstances beyond his control. One or two of his employers treated him badly. These employers had poor management and/or unreasonable expectations, like being on time to work, or not sleeping on the job, or standards for performance. He’s quite lazy and rather inept.

His smartness is more of an act. He’ll be well informed on particular subjects, like baseball and NASCAR or duties he’s carried out in former jobs, and he’ll have some shallow knowledge of quite a few subjects. He’ll steer the conversation to the subjects he knows to conceal how shallow his knowledge is in other areas. He’ll be more interested in relating anecdotes about himself than in discussing other subjects in any depth. Subjects in which your knowledge surpasses his will be avoided as much as possible once he realizes what you know.

Sometimes he’ll express an opinion that seems ridiculous. Some are actually his and some he’s gotten from the media or social networking. He’ll seem open-minded and he’ll even alter his opinion to be more like yours if you appear to feel strongly about a subject. Later he’ll express the same ridiculous opinions for the sole purpose of irritating you. He won’t be able to argue his point because he isn’t at all informed, but he’ll keep repeating the same opinion.

Now let’s talk about you a little bit. He has a thing for fat women, but not because he likes them. He likes them because he thinks they are less attractive and therefore easier to keep. If you’re a chunky girl, he’s not going to be supportive of your weight loss, but he’ll pretend for a while. When devaluation starts he’ll start picking on you for food choices that aren’t like his.

If you’re a good cook, he’ll want you to cook for him. If you sew, he’ll want you to sew for him. He’ll like any nice or thoughtful thing you do for him, but you’ll eventually see that any hobby or activity that doesn’t benefit him will be deprecated. He’ll expect your spare time to be spent with him or for him.

If you do something special for him, and you will, because it makes him happy, he’ll be expecting it to be repeated. In order to keep him happy you’ll have to do something new, or something more, because the bar is always being raised. Once something you do for him becomes routine or normal you won’t get any sense of appreciation or approval, and you’ll have to try harder. He’ll let you know if he thinks you’re neglecting him in any way, so you won’t need to worry about that.

You might notice after a while that he’ll slack off with some of the things he did before, while you were busy keeping both of you happy. He’ll give you a glimpse of the old him until you feel better and before he goes back to slacking. This will continue as long are you are useful. You’ll feel happier if you don’t take a step back and compare how you’re being treated currently with how you were treated at the very beginning.

Chances are you have some very good qualities. You’ve probably got quite a bit of empathy, compassion, kindness, and love, and you’ve probably seen these qualities in him just as he’s seen them in you. This is really important for later on: The good qualities you saw in him are only a reflection of yours. He doesn’t have any of them. You fell for a work of fiction designed specifically for you, a mask worn by someone you really don’t want to know. It’s not your fault. I really do hope he doesn’t ruin your life, and I really do believe you deserve better.

One of the (many) problems with having been in a relationship with a psychopath is that you only have a vague idea of what was true and what wasn’t. Psychopaths are liars and they lie pathologically. Knowing what they are calls in to question things that wouldn’t have been questioned otherwise.

There is very little that I undoubtedly believe in what my psychopath told me. I’m confident of his date of birth, and who the members of his family are. I believe he worked at most of the jobs he described, and I believe some things that were corroborated by other people. The rest is all very questionable at best.

The psychopath talked about being in both the army and the national guard, but was never very clear as to which one was the setting for for a particular story. He claimed that while he was in the army he took a driving course in which he excelled, which got him a job driving a general. The general chose him not only because of his driving skills, but also because he was arrested by the military police for punching out a lieutenant.

When he was not driving the general his job was running a repair garage. As the general’s driver he was allowed to eat at ‘really expensive’ restaurants, with or in close proximity to the general, because he also functioned as the general’s heavily armed bodyguard. The psychopath spent long enough in Germany for his job driving the general to be able to purchase a car there which he enjoyed driving on the Autobahn. He showed me a knife he bought in Germany as a souvenir, but made a point of telling me he was disappointed because it was made in China and he could have gotten one just like it anywhere.

The psychopath was required to go with the general to other countries, including Korea. In Korea, the psychopath saved the general’s life by pushing him into the car in the demilitarized zone when shots were fired from North Korea. The major who was also with them was angry that the psychopath did not protect him as well, but the general told the major that the psychopath’s duty was to protect him alone. During these trips to other countries the Psychopath was ‘officially’ at various bases in the United States and that’s all that his military record would reflect.

The psychopath sewed a cut on his own leg closed with a fish hook to avoid having to repeat a field exercise. He was disappointed and confused when he was assigned to be in charge of a repair garage because he had been trained for ordnance instead. His ordnance instructor was “a man by the name of Timothy McVeigh”, and yes, he meant the Oklahoma City bomber.

The psychopath also claimed to have shot and killed two men in a car trying to drive into Fort Knox by the back road while the sergeant in charge was inside the guard station frantically assembling his weapon, because he chose to clean it before his shift was over so he wouldn’t have to do it later. The psychopath claimed he didn’t feel at all bad about killing the two men because it was his duty and he was trained to shoot first and ask questions later. When I asked if he had to go see a counselor or something similar he said he didn’t. I asked “not even group therapy?” and he said, “well, yeah, there was group therapy” but he only went once or twice because he didn’t feel at all guilty, and the group was full of whining guys who couldn’t handle their duty. This was one of the stories I was told not to bring up in front of his mother because he never told her about it. Later on, while criticizing my son’s need for therapy, the psychopath completely forgot he’d told me he went to group therapy, and when I brought it up he said it “didn’t count” as therapy.

The psychopath liked to tell the story of how he was working as a bouncer at a local bar, and even when he wasn’t working he’d hang out there and “help out behind the bar” when it was busy. One night there was a fight or some disruption and the bartender called 911 and was upset when he was told the police wouldn’t be there until later. The bartender called back and said “never mind, I shot him” and the all the police then arrived right away. Later versions of the story had the psychopath himself calling back. The joke on the internet ends with the police saying “I thought you shot him” and the caller saying “I thought you were busy”, but the psychopath insisted this really happened and he was there.

The stories above were repeated by the psychopath several times each, and the were told almost identically. On occasion he’d change a few details, like being the person to call the police back, when he was telling them to other people. If I commented on a story, for example what I would have said, he’d incorporate it into the story saying “and then I said —” and continue on with what seemed to be his script. If I didn’t comment the next time, the story would be the same. If I made the same comments several times in a row, they would actually become part of the story. Why would I do that? Because the stories were boring by the time I’d heard them three times.

Some stories he only told once, for example, another event psychopath didn’t discuss with his mother was the one about how he impregnated a lesbian couple because they each wanted a child. One of them had a girl and the other had a boy. He claimed he brought it up to me that day because he’d seen the couple and met both the children. His eyes were doing their side-to-side movement, so he was scheming. He said the reason he didn’t tell his mother was that she would be all “oh boy! more grandchildren!” and would insist on bothering the women and giving the children gifts and sending cards.

While the psychopath’s stories were always questionable, there were plenty of other lies that didn’t cause immediate suspicion. Details, omissions, slight exaggerations, and ‘facts’ that seemed to be corroborated by others weren’t as obvious, and neither were the things he said in passing. I expected some ego-boosting exaggeration or downplaying of his negatives, but I didn’t expect to have to later question almost everything.

The earliest lies I detected were the ones that I could attribute to ego preservation, like when I saw a facebook message to one of his friends, saying we’d gotten a house that we were fixing up. I’d already had the house for over ten years. I could see how he might feel better about himself by saying that, so I didn’t confront him.

Some lies, like when he said he didn’t use one of the tax preparation services, I didn’t detect until years later. At the end of the relationship it was obvious that he was lying regularly, without any concern as to whether I knew it or not. He started contradicting things he’d said previously. He started lying to others in front of me, flaunting his lies and expecting me to be silent. Each time I confronted him he would deny the lie, replace it with another (often repeatedly), change the subject, elaborate on the lie, or just ignore the fact that he’d been caught in the lie.

When I said things were called into question that wouldn’t be otherwise, that covers just about everything. Should I continue to believe his first ex-wife was mentally unbalanced? That the mother of his children cares more about child support money than her children? That every job he lost was someone else’s fault? No, no, and no.

The pathological lies continue on with his smear campaign, the only difference is that instead of lying to me he’s lying about me. He will always have people who are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, who will pity him and support him, and who will, if they dare to not pity or support him, be cut from his life as if they never existed. That is, unless they can be used as the subject of more lies for more pity from his other supporters.

Psychopaths use a variety of tools against their victims. Here are some of them:

They lie: Psychopaths are pathological liars. They not only lie to get what they want and to manipulate, they lie because they like it. I knew my psychopath lied about some things and exaggerated others, but later I found out he was pathological. Catching him in lies and confronting him about them had several outcomes: He would not respond at all; or he would deny he said it; or he would say I misunderstood; or he would revise the lie to make it look like he had been just exaggerating; or he would just replace it, usually with another lie. He lied about trivial things and important things, and a year later I’m still learning about some of them.

They project: Psychopaths project their qualities and actions onto others. It’s not something reserved for victims, they do it to other people as well. In one of his more outrageous projections onto someone other than me my psychopath accused his future sister-in-law of latching onto his brother because she needed a place to stay and someone to take care of her. The only difference between her and the psychopath was the timeline, because my house wasn’t ready to live in yet. He also accused her of being too lazy to work, but had tried to convince me he’d have more money if he quit his job. He accused me of all kinds of things, including hating his children, being selfish, being inconsiderate, and not being supportive. All projection.

They blame: Psychopaths blame others for their own actions and misfortunes. They will not accept responsibility for anything negative. My psychopath didn’t have enough money because his ex-wife wanted child support, and because he didn’t earn enough money. It didn’t have anything to do with his frivolous spending. He blamed his kids when he was late coming to see me. He blamed me for taking them back late to their mother, because I didn’t cook supper soon enough. He blamed me when the power went out. I bought him a laptop and he blamed me a year later when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.

They triangulate: Psychopaths use a third person to cause jealousy or change a victim’s behavior. My psychopath liked to talk about how his first ex-mother-in-law wanted him to get back together with his ex, how much she missed him, and how the ex was still single. He liked to talk about how his second ex wasn’t really over him. He talked about how great other women were. All trying to make me feel jealous. He used to talk about his first ex-father-in-law controlled the television, and mealtimes, so everything was just the way he liked it, as if I should let him be that way, too. He talked a lot about what bad cooks his exes all were so of course I cooked better for him. There were plenty of other shortcomings I was supposed to make up for and did. Unfortunately, it was before I knew he was a pathological liar.

They use charm: Psychopaths can be very charming, smooth, and charismatic, which is useful in attracting victims and other useful people. It also helps them maintain an image and get out of trouble. My psychopath was not charming in the general public. He wasn’t very good looking, or bright, and not at all eloquent, so he wasn’t charming in public. On a personal level he could pretend to be sweet, which is as close to charming as he got. The charming psychopaths are able to secure their own groups of loyal followers. Often they are able to get these followers to work on their behalf in order to woo targets or punish victims. Mine has ‘friends’ on social media, where it’s easier to keep up appearances. They like and comment on his posts, and show support, but he is rather limited on using them.

They use pity: Psychopaths frequently use pity. Martha Stout said the pity play was the best indicator. It’s easy for a psychopath to get pity, especially knowing the target has empathy. Mine used his exes’ supposed bad treatment of him, his lack of money, minor illnesses and injuries, and anything else he possibly could to get pity. Pity, in turn, helped him get the things he wanted. Food, shelter, money, attention, etc. His pity relied heavily on the other tools he used, especially lies, blame, and drama.

They use drama: Drama has many benefits for a psychopath. It’s great entertainment for psychopaths since they are prone to boredom. It can be a great way to get pity or appear to advantage. Sometimes it’s more for attention. A supposed hardship allows a psychopath to appear strong or capable or heroic, and comments about how well they behave or persevere will feed his ego.  The same hardship can be used to gain pity for being in an unpleasant situation, and the psychopath may receive help. Someone else’s hardship can give the psychopath the opportunity to play hero or sympathetic good guy, although the other person’s hardship will not be as difficult as any of the psychopath’s. Any drama can serve to make the psychopath the center of attention or to regain attention currently being given to someone else. It can also serve to shift attention to or away from issues. When there is a dearth of drama, a psychopath will manufacture it by causing a disruption or by blowing something out of proportion, usually using several of the other tools at his disposal.

They use props: Psychopaths use props for appearance, and they can be just about anything. Nice clothes and a nice car can give the appearance of wealth, power, or financial stability. Tools can give the impression of being handy. Some psychopaths choose to have long term partners to present an image of respectability, and they may even have a picture-perfect family. Children give the impression of responsibility and caring, as do pets. Almost anything can be used as a prop whether it belongs to the psychopath or not, and it can be hard to tell the difference. My psychopath used his children, the dog, and his car, among other things. The general population had no idea he didn’t think he should have to pay child support or buy dog food, or that he couldn’t get his own car loan.

Most people don’t understand what it’s like to have been in a relationship with a psychopath. When the relationship is over people expect the ‘getting over it’ and ‘moving on’ to be the same as it would be for a relationship with anyone else. They express frustration and even boredom when the psychopath and the relationship are continuing topics. They see the victims as dwelling on the relationship rather than fighting to get past it. What they say and how they act toward the victim is based on their understanding of and experience with normal relationships.

Most people hear the word psychopath and associate it with serial killers or Norman Bates. Many people refer to ex-partners or friends as ‘psychos’, so an assumption is made that the victim is using the term psychopath in the same way. Even if a person were to make a study of psychopathy they would have only an intellectual understanding of psychopathy. The same person could study the effects of psychopathy on victims and have an intellectual understanding of those as well. This person could also have empathy and understand the various emotions the victims have and feel for the victim. They can imagine being in a situation with a psychopath and how it feels, but imagination falls short of knowing and understanding. It falls short in the same way imagining the loss of a loved one falls short of experiencing the actual loss.

Normal relationships are built on things that are mutual: love, respect, affection, understanding, trust, goals, companionship, and a long list of other things. A relationship with a psychopath is a relationship built on lies, deception, and manipulation, but the victim will not really know this until after forming an attachment. The attachment, along with continued lies, projections, and other psychopathic methods, will obscure the truth.

The devaluation of the victim begins when the psychopath is secure in the knowledge that the victim’s attachment, and it may be abrupt and immediate or gradual, but it will happen. The victim will try to restore the relationship to what it was (seemed to be) in the beginning. The victim may accept responsibility for the failing relationship because the psychopath doesn’t or because the victim is being blamed. The victim’s life can become full of confusion, fear, guilt, and even denial, especially if the psychopath provides doses of idealization. Discard will eventually follow. It may be a complete discard or the first of many, but it will happen. Discards are always painful and confusing for victims.

The end of a normal relationship brings sadness and a sense of loss, or even a sense of devastation, followed by a period of recovery and moving on. Both parties go their separate ways and can even remain friends, depending on the circumstances. In normal relationships both parties are invested and both will lose something when the relationship is over. Relationships with psychopaths don’t end that way. Psychopaths can be cruel or cold, and they assign blame to the victim. Often the psychopath will move on quickly to another victim, broadcasting their happiness while the last victim is still reeling. Realizing, at any point, that the relationship was nothing but lies and deception can be as devastating as the discard itself. The victim can have denial, self-blame, shame, and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Seeing the psychopath feeling nothing but superiority and disdain enhances these feelings in the victims. The end of a relationship with a psychopath is nothing short of traumatic.

The end of a relationship with a psychopath might not look very different on the surface to most people. The psychopath moves on so they expect the same from the victim, completely unaware of the trauma. The chances are that if the victim was abused (physically, emotionally, or otherwise) during the relationship, the victim hid or downplayed it. The psychopath would have already carried out a smear campaign accusing the victim of being abusive, and accusations of abuse by the victim would then be seen as vindictive lies.

Most people will see the psychopath moving on and think that the victim should be moving on as well, not realizing the psychopath wasn’t invested in the relationship like the victim was. They see the psychopath ‘recovering’ from the relationship, making it appear that the victim is ‘dwelling on it’. They don’t take into account how much damage the victim has suffered or how many feelings need to be processed and worked through, because their experience is limited to normal relationships. Most people see the psychopath broadcasting their happiness on social media and don’t realize that it’s really another way to further their torment of the victim. They see the psychopath moving on. If they see the psychopath broadcasting heartache and sadness, they will believe the psychopath is truly suffering, not knowing it’s a pity-play. Meanwhile the victim retreats out of desperation, faced with trying to explain what’s happened to people who can’t truly understand, while still trying to understand it her/himself.

Claudia Moscovici has an excellent article, The Psychopath’s Relationship Cycle, that describes how a psychopath operates. There are three basic steps, idealize, devalue, and discard.

Idealization seems great when it happens, it’s like falling in love, except with a fictional character instead of a real person. That would be because he finds out what you want, or what’s missing from your life, and becomes it. He’s already decided what he wants from you and sets out to win you over to get it. I got a made-to-order boyfriend, all sweetness and lost-puppy. We spent hours and hours together, having fun, working, or just hanging out. His family was so friendly and welcoming and everything seemed wonderful. I took excellent care of my man because his ex-wives hadn’t. We made plans to move in and start a life together. He proposed after almost a year and a half.

During this period there were things that seemed off or odd enough to make me stop and think, at least briefly, that something might be wrong. Most of them I rationalized away, thinking I was being paranoid or too critical. Looking at the whole psychopathic picture after the fact, I waved away too many red flags. Here are some of them:

• The eyes, darting or staring
• Different personas, especially different with his family and people he knew but I didn’t
• His exes treated him badly, especially the mother of his children
• His kids’ mother cheated on him, caused him to be fired from his job, lied constantly, especially in court, used his kids against him, only wanted custody for the child support money, ruined his credit, etc.
• The short time between meeting and when the little hearts started to be inserted in his text messages
• His vague personal history presented without any connection between events and out of order
• His insisting I was somewhere with him at an event when I wasn’t
• Mirroring me, including things I liked, funny voices, pet names, etc.
• His insisting he was not sweet while behaving sweetly
• The pre-engagement ring two weeks before he needed both the down payment and a co-signer for his new car
• Stories that changed as he told them because he incorporated my comments into them
• His claiming that women only cry to manipulate people

He was so devoted to me and so affectionate and caring that I would feel guilty about thinking that there was something wrong with him or with us. I second-guessed my intuition repeatedly because I thought I was being paranoid or too critical or too needy. Why would I try to sabotage my relationship or my happiness?

After idealization, the devaluation begins. This is about the point when the relationship is legitimized and the target is hooked. I didn’t notice the devaluation immediately. I thought in the third year, when things seemed to cool off a little, that it was more like settling into the relationship. What was really happening was devaluation and dosing, which is being strung along with intermittent validation. There would be a disagreement, and he wouldn’t argue, and, because he didn’t want to be around me when I was upset, he would ignore me. When we started talking again, things would go back to normal. I know now that these silent treatments were a form of abuse, and just one of many passive-aggressive behaviors I didn’t recognize.

In the first big disagreement we had he actually argued with me briefly before he stopped speaking all together. I had made it clear on my side of the argument that what I wanted was very important to me. We were in the car and I spent the rest of the ride being ignored. Instead of doing what we’d planned, he drove me home, put the car in park, and waited for me to get out, all without speaking. He ignored me well into the next day or the day after, and when he finally responded to me by text, he said that I should be happy I won, that I should get over it and move on, and the past was the past. He didn’t acknowledge my feelings or that he hurt them, and he expected me to feel guilty for having them.

After that first one, arguments (really non-arguments) were mostly me saying my part and him staring at me, usually followed by the silent treatment for hours or days. A day or two after he started talking to me again he’d be just like he was in the beginning. Almost. Everything would always improve drastically, but it was never back to the same level as it was before each argument. I didn’t notice at the time. I would be distracted from the downward trend by some good thing he did or a big gesture. There were a few times when he actually argued, I think I mentioned before, that he made a big theatrical display of yelling and accusing me of things before storming away.

Throughout idealization and long into devaluation I was the same person and gave at the same level. I helped with gas money and bought things. I cooked, sometimes from scratch, and baked, always from scratch, and I did all the home improvement work that took more than rudimentary skill or any kind of patience. I made him things and praised the good things he did, and told him what I thought about everything else. He started off being my partner in everything, but there was a decline. He started showing up later and later when we were supposed to work on a project, and he started doing less. He started putting less of everything into anything to do with us and expected me to do more. For a long time I kept doing more, because he wouldn’t be happy with the what used to make him happy before. He would flatter me and sweet talk and hint about what he wanted and try to make me feel selfish or guilty for not providing him with whatever it was. He would sulk like a child if he didn’t get what he wanted.

All during the devaluation he was pushing my boundaries and manipulating me into doing more and expecting less. The fourth year was bad for me, and would have been bad without a psychopath. Two big events showed me that the man I loved could not be counted on for any emotional support. The first was my son needing in-patient care for his depression in late winter. He went into the hospital on a Friday night and got out after five days. The whole weekend my psychopath wasn’t interested in anything to do with my son, he was only interested in whether I was going to eat dinner with him and his kids or not. He didn’t want to go to the family meeting with me and the only support I got from him was him looking after the new puppy after work.

At the end of summer my father went into the hospital for more than two months. Just when he seemed to be doing better, the day after he was moved to a rehabilitation facility closer to home, he died. My psychopath had no kind words or expressions of sympathy for me, or even a hug. He actually seemed to think that everything would go back to normal immediately after the funeral, and saw no reason why I would need to spend any more time with my family. That fall I had to help my mother with the yard work and my psychopath would wait impatiently for me to be done so he could come over to Mom’s and have dinner. He wasn’t interested in helping at Mom’s and wouldn’t do half the yardwork at my house, where he had started staying on weekdays because of the puppy.

The point at which my family’s ill opinion of my psychopath was set that Thanksgiving, when he sulked  all day in my dead father’s chair, on my dead father’s birthday, because I didn’t make him his own special food. It was a barely a month after my father died and our first holiday without him, and my psychopath thought he was being treated badly. I was supposed to feel guilty, and sorry for him.

The devaluation continued into the fifth and last year, which was really a cycle of devaluation and partial discards, meaning he would disappear during the silent treatments and come back again. I’d had a rough year the year before, and I didn’t work on my house very much during that time. My psychopath, once he was established as a part-time resident, had no real interest in doing any work, and only a passing interest in what I did. In the spring, going into the fifth year, he decided to take his favorite son to little league, becoming less available to do anything. He then hurt his knee showing off for the kids, which began months of pity-seeking and inability to do anything unrelated to physical therapy or little league. In the fall, with his knee completely healed, he signed his son up for more baseball and had no extra time.

By that last year I was tired of just about everything. For three years he had complained about not having enough money but turned down overtime when it was offered. He slacked off at work and was angry when he didn’t get a raise. Nothing I did made him happy and he was not interested in whether I was happy or not. I started enforcing the boundaries that I had let slip and cut back on all the things I was doing for him, although I was still doing plenty. I started being more emphatic in pointing out my psychopath’s faults and poor behaviors. Some of the things I brought to his attention were his playing favorites between his children, criticism of my family, nonpayment of his debts including what he owed me, his lack of contribution toward anything but food, doing specifically things I said not to, and not doing any work around the house. The only result was that the non-arguments and silent treatments increased dramatically.

During devaluation a psychopath will find a new target, or several new targets to take the place of the victim or victims. Some psychopaths have numerous targets in each phase while others are lazy. The psychopath will start a smear campaign against the victim and portray himself as the victim before discarding the actual victim. The psychopath will often continue the devaluation and smear campain after the discard. Many psychopaths will also start a cycle of devaluation and discard in which they will pretend to have changed, reestablish the relationship, and then devalue and discard the victim again. The victim, hoping they might get what they once had during idealiztion is given a mere glimpse before devaluation and discard.

I can’t pinpoint when my psychopath’s smear campaign started or when he started looking for a new target. I believe they both started in the middle of the fifth year at the latest. By the holidays he was texting other people frequently and claiming it was his brother, although they never usually texted much. I suspected another woman. At this point my psychopath also had plenty of free time away from me due to the frequent silent treatments. He didn’t leave his phone out when I was around and also didn’t leave it out of his reach after getting angry a couple times because I touched it.

The final discard began near the end of February and it was over in about two months. One day I had to pick him up and take him to work because his car caught fire, not his newer one but the older on I had borrowed money to loan him for repairs. I had repeatedly told him to have it checked because I could smell gas when I rode in it with him. I told him he would have to have it towed to someplace other than my house. Thatnight while I was in bed feeling sick, he took my keys out of my purse and moved my car so his could be dropped in the driveway. He thought that ordering out food would make up for disregarding what I said. He had already said he wanted to take it to the scrap yard to get a couple hundred dollars for it, which I said he should not do since he owed me eight hundred still for the repairs. A few days later he wanted to sign the car over to me instead of paying me back, and could not see how I wouldn’t be satisfied getting something he valued so little instead of the money he had promised to pay back the year before. The entire conversation took place woth me talking diectly to him and him talking to the dog instead of me. Once again he refused to argue. By now it had already been several days since he had stopped kissing me hello or goodnight and after this point he started acting like a cold acquaintance. That weekend he purposely didn’t tell me about his nephew’s birthday party until he was on his way to it without me, saying he didn’t think I wanted to go. I started spending more time away from him and didn’t have any interest in him when he was around or have much to say to him.

I soon found out he was getting letters from his knee doctor’s collection agency and was throwing them away (he owed about $2800 according to the letter I found in the trash). He was convinced the national guard would pay for his knee surgery because the same knee had been injured and required surgery that the guard would neither pay for nor allow him back without. When the medical records got to the VA it was the other knee that he had injured, but he maintained that another set of records was missing showing an injury the the knee he hurt at little league. He was sure that he would not only have the surgery paid for but he would also get lots of disability money. He had been bragging about it since the surgery, even to the guys at work.

Meanwhile, his student loan people got his federal income tax return because he had refused to send any payments for years and they couldn’t garnish his wages because his child support put him over the garnishment limit. He agreed to allow them to take a small amount of money out of his checking account to start repaying the rest of the three thousand dollars left. When the tax preparation people called for payment I found out he owed them about two hundred dollars. He had lied three years before saying he didn’t use that company, and then I watched him lying to them about how he was still waiting for his return, when he had shown me the letter saying his return was taken. He had started moving his things out without saying anything to me, but either didn’t think I noticed or, most likely, he didn’t care. I think that started about when I yelled at him on the phone for wanting to sell his car to his sister-in-law’s ex-husband’s friend for four hundred dollars, saying he’d give me that money and and pay me back the rest of the eight hundred dollars later. Four hundred was all it was worth because the guy told him that it needed ‘a lot of work’.

I knew he had requested money from his 401K account due to hardship and had received $4400 which he had also not said anything about. I noticed most of his things were gone and that he had been taking all his clothes with him when he went to his parents’ on the weekends but still hadn’t said anything to me about it. I saw on a Saturday the he had unfriended me on facebook, and when he texted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do that day when little league practice was over, I asked him about it and he denied doing it, saying he hadn’t been on facebook at all. By the time he was done at little league and asked what I wanted to do I was busy changing my locks. I had me meet me at my mom’s for dinner, as usual, and told him I had already bought food. I usually cooked for him and his kids at my mom’s since my kitchen was still not done and the alternative was his parents’ house where he would ignore me for video games or I would get stuck watching whatever his father was watching on TV. The next day I cooked for them at my mom’s again but didn’t bother to mention the locks were changed that day either. Mom was amused because I brought her a new set of keys the day before.

That Monday my psychopath texted me to say he’d be home at 8 after little league practice. I responded that he wasn’t coming in my house until he explained why his things were moved out and what he did with the 401K money. He didn’t respond until Tuesday night with a long childishly written text, saying he moved out his stuff to see what he could give a friend’s friend’s family member who had a house fire, and to copy his CDs onto his computer again. He said the money was enough to pay off the student loan and signature loan, basically everything but his car payment, then he could start so save money and pay me back. I responded saying that didn’t answer why the rest of his things were gone, that I didn’t care about his dishes, and that I better not be missing anything. I also said that since he told me that he’d paid off his sigmature loan already he either lied or had gotten another one, and that if we were supposed to be in a relationship he needed to tell me more.

He didn’t respond to that last text. He came to work every day acting as though nothing had changed and was angry when I didn’t want anything to do with him. He made a few lame attempts to engage me in conversation but I had no reason to talk to him for anything other than work related issues. He drove by my house repeatedly and refused to stop using my mailing address when I told him to. I had to have his boss make him change the address work had for him. My mom started bringing the mail inside for me so I could return-to-sender all his letters. It was nice to see how few letters with big sharpie writing it took for the post office to automatically start returning all his mail. Every Sunday, at least until it was dark too early, I saw him drive by my mom’s on his way to take his kids back to their mother. It’s not on the way. Until he finally quit nine months later he repeatedly harassed me at work with whistling, humming, unnecessary trips in and out of the office, trying to tell me what to do, not performing his assigned janitorial duties, eavesdropping on my conversations, mumbling comments when I told him to leave me alone, kicking pennies under the door instead of paying me back, and trying to convince his boss I was harassing him.

Psychopaths enjoy making their victims suffer and watching them suffer They will also use social media or mutual acquaintances to spread lies or learn how much their victims are suffering. They will broadcast how happy they are with their new targets, using the same media or people, to increase the torment. Psychopaths want power and control over people and the way for the victim to take that power away is to end all contact with the psychopath, direct and indirect.

Having no contact was not an option for me until my psychopath quit his job, because ignoring him only made him try to annoy me more. He would be disappointed to know that finally quitting was the nicest thing he’d done for me in years. He handed me all the remaining power he had over me, and that makes him the loser.